Last post for the month of January…

Well, it’s hard to believe that 31 days have passes us all up in this new year already. For some I am sure the time was where it was needed to be and for others like myself, well let’s just say that it was about finding out deep what I could take as a human being. I mean if you look back on all 31 days would you say to yourself that they were all good? Would you say the 31 days where 50 50? I mean I like to look at my last 31 days as something that I have never been through in my life, and what I mean is that these days made me realize how important life really was to me.

I mean being sick with liver failure is something I never thought that I would be saying in these last 31 days of my life. And to be honest the struggles with this was really a big test to me in the ways that I have never been tested before. I mean there where days I didn’t want to wake up, and then there was days that I thought were going to be my last since I spend some of them in the ER.

I learned that we are stronger than what we give ourselves credit for, and even when the darkness is upon us, that we can over come things if we want to believe in that we can. I had many days of wondering if I couldn’t do this anymore, and then there where days that were simple in the fact that nothing major happened to me health wise and to me that was a win, not going into the doctors office or visiting the ER at the late evening hours. Sometimes nothing was just plain and simple okay with me.

Now, I can sit back and look at these 31 days and realize that there is another month coming up with only 28 days in it. I ask myself what am I going to do better than this past month. I know one thing, I don’t want all my posts to be sad and depressing to read. But I do tell you how I do feel about things from my point of view and to me that is okay, like I said before this isn’t about making money or having a great life, this is a place for me to come and vent my issues and to me that is helping understand that the world isn’t really a bad place, that there are lots of people struggling in it like myself.

To close this post out, I went outside last night and looked at the stars and normally lately they haven’t been out due to the weather and snow we are getting here. But anyways, I wanted to tell you my one wish that I made, and that wish was that I could have a blessed life and find true happiness for myself, and that if my true love is out there that maybe she would come in the months to come. I don’t want to live alone anymore, I want to trust someone again, and show them that love does work even in times that are dark and scary. I know that God has someone out there the question is who, and when is God going to bring that person to me was that wish.

With this all said, if my true love is out there and reading this, I am truly sorry that I didn’t find you earlier in my life. And I hope that maybe down the road that you would give me some hope in the sense that I don’t have to this alone. I didn’t think that I would end my 31 days by saying all this, but it is true. Love is a powerful, Love is passion, and Love is something that you can’t live without. I truly believe in this. I just hope that the stars where alined when I made that wish. With this said off to another month and who knows right? Anything can happen on any given day. Until then stay healthy, and love one another…

Frustrations…

Frustrations is all I can feel at this time, and this post is going to be about just that word. I mean I have to get this stuff out of my closet to the way I am feeling, and I don’t really care about what people think, this is about me and nobody else for this matter. I am learning to deal the cards that were dealt to me when it came to who I am as a person. I am realizing one of the cards is my health. I don’t know how much is really left in my tank battling this. I mean I am trying my best to getting answers and all I am getting is the run around. I mean when you tell your doctor about the pains your feeling and they say well we are going to give you this miracle drug to fix it, that isn’t fixing the problem. I am not into drugs, or drinking for that matter. And sometimes to be honest I wish I was so that I didn’t have to feel these pains that I am going through here. I know better than turning to drugs and drinking anyways.

The point being is when is someone going to take the time to realize that I have a serious problem physically here. My mental health is breaking down over this as well, and too tell you the truth, when your afraid to go to bed at night because your afraid that your not going to wake up because of what the liver is doing to you then that is a serious problem. I mean I don’t go to bed until like 230 or 3 in the morning lately due to this issue that I am facing with myself at this time. I mean it is simple here and I am fighting everything that is in front of me. I am not this type of person that likes to fight everything all the damn time here. I am a person that has a lot of love to give, and when this goes on I feel like all the love that I have given means nothing anymore to anyone as I find this out lately. The world isn’t fair at all, and I think that I am entitled to answers and to come to find out I am not entitled to anything. And that is a very hard concept for me to realize here. I mean I want everything to work out, and yet when you don’t get answers life become more and more harder.

I feel like the only person in the world that wears my heart on my sleeves, and all I get in return from this is hurt or pain. I don’t really know what to say anymore when all I try to do is good things. I mean I am far from being perfect in this life, but I believe that given your time to people matters. But then when you think your getting somewhere, you find out that it didn’t matter in the end that’s the part that really hurts. I mean who I am to think that I can get straight answers out from anyone. The world doesn’t work that way and I have to realize this once again here.

Frustations for me are trying to find answers when sometimes there is no answers to any of it. And that sums up my day and this post for this matter. I just have to hang in there and figure things out yet, and sometimes that is the hardest part of it all. Being here and wondering if your going to live to see another day is not the way I want to live. But at least I got some of my frustrations out in this post. I kind of feel better in a weird way, but I needed this. That is why I started this blog I think, I want to be telling great things, but at the same time I want to keep it real with who I am as a person…

Getting through the darkness…

Well, I wanted to come on here this evening and there was a lot of me that didn’t want to come on for the reasons of me not feeling good today. It’s hard to keep your spirits high when your not feeling well lately. I just really did nothing other than sleep and lay around today, and to tell you the truth that is not me for just laying around and doing nothing here. But, I thought that I would come on here tonight to check in and see what was going on in the world through people’s eyes here. At least it takes my mind off the things that I needed to not think about. I don’t know if that last sentence makes any sense, but the point is that I am here looking around and getting ideas that take my mind of my own pains at least for the moment.

But anyways, I will keep this post really short, sometimes I find it better having shorter messages or posts for the reasons that it just makes you know that I am alive yet. There will be days soon when I will write more. I am just keeping afloat here for the mean time and if anything I wanted to share to the world tonight is that I am scared, and I know it’s okay to feel scared. I just hope to see another sunrise like I have been saying before, there are no guarantees that we have another day. So, with this said, thank you all that have been there for me in this struggle.

Keep moving forward…

Well just got back from the doctors once again, and I have to go see some specialist for my liver now. I am at this part of the journey because my levels keep going up and there is nothing that they can do other than maybe the liver specialist to work there magic on me. It’s been a really rough road for me thus far, and if you are new to this blog you can see all the pains I been going through with my health issues here. I know that there has to be hope in the end no matter what the outcome might be here. I know that I was raised never to quit. Even when it comes to people to help them in every way I can. That is who I am, I am the rare thing that many people have told me. Why do you care so much about people when they don’t care about you in the ways you think? And I just look at that question and brush it off, because there is nothing better in this world to helping people.

I know that lately with my sickness I can’t do that too much, but being in and out of the hospitals has taught me a lot about myself in ways that I can tell you that we are all blessed. Even in times of sickness we are blessed. I know that makes no sense but if you can open your heart to see what around you, then it isn’t as bad as you think. I mean I have seen a lot of older couples in the hospital lately, and too see a man lying in his bed and his wife or sister by his side make me realize that even though I am fighting something really big here, that I will put all my effort into fighting this off. I mean I don’t know any of the couples that I have seen, but I seen the pain in there faces wondering if there loved ones will make it through the evening. IV bags around them and they are plugged into machines makes me tell myself I am not there yet to that point.

I better keep things in better perspective is what I have been telling myself lately. I know I don’t feel the best or my body can’t move like it wants to move for the reasons of my liver at this time. But I still have to fight the fight. I know I have said this a lot in my other posts. The best part of a blog is again I can put all my feelings out there and I don’t care what people think, it’s more than what people think here, it’s about my survival in the sense of letting go of the stress that I am feeling. I know that I am not the best at writing like a lot of people I have seen on there pages. But then again this isn’t about me trying to out do someone. This is about me opening my life for the first time and letting things out. That is the best thing about this, I am as a free spirit and I need to focus on the good things around me. I have no choice in this matter. But, to sum up today is that I am alive and that things might not be the best at this time, but I will make the best of what time is left in this day.

So, I will step away from this computer and tell myself to go for a walk with nature and look at all the simple things that I normally take for granted. I mean I never know anymore how many sunsets are left in me, or how many more moon rises are left, or sun rises for that matter. And tonight I think I will suit up and go start a campfire and look at the stars in the sky. I love the night sky, I can’t get enough of the beauty of what the good Lord has done for me. So, I will end this like I always try to end it, by saying love yourself so that you can go out there and love someone that needs its the most here. Have a great afternoon and evening, and I am going to let my soul take me to where I need to be the rest of the day…

As the sun tries to peak out…

Well we have been under cloud cover for like over two weeks and had no sun shinning until today. It is trying to peak through the clouds as the winds are coming out of the west. It’s hard to believe how you can miss the simple things like the sun shinning. I mean it’s the small things that get us through the rough times in our life. I mean I went in today for more blood testing, praying for something good to happen here so that I can get on the road to recovery here.

But until I get them results I will keep moving forward the best way I can here. I am going to make the best out of this some how today. I realize that the days are moving ahead, and I need to pay attention to what is in front of me, even the simple things. So with this said I will keep this post simple today for the matter of that I want to get outside and do something different for myself. What that is, time will tell me. But I hope to write more later in the evening and to keep my feelings real here with the people that are listening to me…

Afternoon clouds.

I am back from the doctors office again, and they took a chest x-ray to see what was going on with my lungs and liver area, and nothing really showed up on the x-ray. Tomorrow I gear back up for more blood work again to see if anything of my levels went up more than they did before like the other day. I hope that they can find answers soon to these questions about my liver. I am more tired today then I was in the days before, I think it is because I am not sleeping and eating right at all. I am trying to keep my faith alive in these times of troubles.

I just have a hard time wondering where God is in these times of trouble. I mean I always heard it was good to question God, but don’t ever question your purpose in what he is doing for you. I know that feeling this way has me all over the board with questions and to how I should feel about this. I mean it doesn’t help me when I am all alone in this process. All my friends the few that I have are busy with there lives and it’s just hard to talk to them. I mean when it would come to moving or helping build something it was never a big deal. But then you get sick, then they are no were to found.

And I think a lot of the reasons are it hard on them as well. I mean my friend of 26 years is having a hard time because it makes you think to yourself as well. That first off that your not going to live forever as well. I mean these things come up when you hear that someone is sick in your family, or even your friends for that matter. But, I am learning that as we get older it’s hard to be there for the people that you love. I think when you start to think outside the box like I am here in this post, you start to think what is really important to you.

That is I think why your friends or family have a hard time being there for you in the times like these. I mean we try not to think about death, but we are born into death, and which means we have no choice other than to deal with it. And some of us get a long life, and then some of us get a shorter one due to God’s reasonings and I can’t and will not question God and them reasons. But, I have learned that I have to keep moving forward in this fight, and it’s been a hell of a fight lately. I want to share good news here on my post. I mean I don’t really know anyone that is reading this other than a few people here.

But again, I didn’t do this so that I could have a million followers, I did this for the reasons of letting my brain come apart in these words that I really feel because I have no one to talk to about them at this time. And I am not blaming anyone out there for this, it just how the cards fell for me.

But in the end, I will keep moving the best ways I can. And I will find a solution to this major problem. I know there is a lot of 2017 yet to see, this is the early stages of this year. I just want to make a goal that I see my 42nd birthday in December. With this said I have to make goals and dreams even if it is the smallest ones at this time. But until then, thank you again for all that have been keeping up and reading this, and make sure to love yourself and once you found that, then go out there and love one another…

Watching the snow come down…

Well today was another day with a few answer to my health issues that are going on. I am finding out with these issues how bad the health care system really is. I mean I been trying to tell the doctor my issues and it’s like they are not understanding my conditions here at all. Then on top of that to give me medicine that will make my liver hurt more isn’t what I was looking for today. I mean make sure you read up on what the doctor tells you to take before taken it. I learned that the side effects are the side effects that I still have going on now and why would I want to make things more worse in the sense of what I am feeling at this time.

I know that when you have more than one doctor looking at your case it becomes difficult to understand the key issues of what going on completely. I mean I have told them everything the best way I can about my issues and it just seems like I am talking to the wall lately, and then to give me medicine that will help, and then find out that it won’t just cause more set backs for me. And this is really hard to take at times because I just want to be over this feeling of not having hope here when it comes to my liver and it’s issues.

I will keep praying for a better day ahead of me. When all else falls in your life at least you can count on God to get you through the rest of the way. This is where you really test your faith in your life and have to put your trust into him. I know that we are not here to live forever and we all know that we have a curtain amount of time that we are playing with. And, I hope to get over this soon. I am afraid and scared to be honest with you. I feel like I never been down this road before, and that there is no one feeling what I am going through at this time. But then you find out that the world is full of people like myself struggling with issues. Again, this isn’t about a pity party here, this is about how to live through these tough times in your life.

My energy levels are getting weaker as the days move ahead, as I sit here watching the snow fall this evening, I try to take in the beauty of what the snow is doing. The snow is covering up all the dead things that have died this fall. And when you see the things all cover up it gives you hope in the sense that when spring arrives a new beginning will happen for the plants and the trees again. I look forward to that as well, I want a new beginning with my health too. And again, this is where I have to keep moving forward no matter what. My faith is being tested, and I have to be alright with this. I have no choice. But until then learn to keep loving yourself, so that you can go out and love one another…