Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he’d rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It is easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.
Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be, or so it feels, welcomed with open arms. But go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find?
A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?
Of coarse it’s easy enough to say that God seems absent at our greatest need because He is absent, non-existent. But then why does He seem so present when, to put it quite frankly, we don’t ask for him?
These are some of thoughts I feel with my last post about struggles. I don’t want to question God’s purpose but to put it like I said before I just want to find that peace that has been a long waiting my soul.
I came back to my blog because my heart is very heavy at this moment with a lot of things on my mind. I will first talk about being lonely and how sometimes I struggle with this. I know that it is good to be alone it cleans out the soul and makes room for better things to come down the road. I feel like I want to find that peace that I am looking for and I just don’t know where to turn at this time to finding that peace I want to have in my heart.
I know that struggles are built into our lives. It is a part of everyone life. No matter where your life takes you there will always be some sort of struggles in it. I think that I feel so lonely because I miss the love of my life at this moment. I can’t erase her in my head and I feel that she wouldn’t want me to anyways. I used to always text her or call to see what was going on through the days, and now there is that void in it now. I keep looking at my phone thinking she might call or sent a text to me telling me how much she misses me, or a text to tell me to hang in there with your health scare, I am with you all the way through this with you. And I have the struggles of knowing that isn’t going to happen. This is all a bad dream for me.
Did I deserve any of this I ask myself this evening? I know that there is some thing you have control over and some things you don’t have the control over either. I know my life will get better if I can only get my head wrapped around these things. But for some reason I don’t want to get my head wrapped around them. I need to struggle in this for some strange reason here. I don’t like sitting at my desk and seeing my heart race and my mouth so dry that it hurts to take a drink of water. My hands are shaking, and my body is sweating hard.
The worse part is my brain is swelling and the doctors don’t know why that is either. It’s very hard for me to come to this computer knowing that the end might be coming around the corner this week if things aren’t going to be changing. And this isn’t what I wanted to be writing about tonight, I wanted to write about good things in this life. I know these struggles can get the best of anyone at anytime. But my struggles are very difficult in the sense to know that I have to keep moving forward in this alone. I know that taking the easy road is not the answers I need at this time. I have to live here, but living becomes very hard task when your life has these struggles that want to hurt you or not make you happy anymore.
I am and never was about taken the easy road here, I wanted my life to be happy the best way I could get myself down that road. At this time I have to bare with what I have in my life, and that is a major health issue, and the knowing of what I lost and I can’t get back. I never thought I would be at this part of my journey at 41. Most people have there life going the way they should be going. I know I can’t compare my life with others, but I need to figure out a game plan soon.
In closing this very sad post, I hope that if anyone is going through what I am going through knows that your not alone in your struggles. I am right beside you in this. Nothing easy about struggling, and the worse part is that you don’t want to struggle alone in your suffering. I pray for the miracles around me to find what will get me better first off, and secondly I have to keep believing in God and that he will send the spirits needed to move me forward in a better direction. This is all the hope that I could ever ask for. Thank you to all that have read this blog and these posts. I just hope that there is even something you can take out of any of these posts and apply them somehow to your life. May God be with us all in our times of pains and struggles.
Today started off hard for me. Just getting out of bed was a chore for me. I mean when you don’t sleep and eat right when your not feeling good things never are quite the same. I never felt so depressed as I looked out the window at the sun. But something has been plaguing for some quite time here, and that is waking up alone with yourself and your thoughts. I mean these are two different battles that I face. Sometimes I don’t know which one I should face first to be honest with you. I know that it is okay to be alone. And then the other hand it would be nice to wake up to that person that loved me for who I was.
Loosing people in your life, is a part of life. And sometimes that is hard to wrap your feelings around to be honest with you. One minute you can share your dreams with the one that you loved, and the next minute you don’t have that anymore. That is a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I know I need to survive and be the person that I was born to be, and then at the same time all you want to do is just cry to yourself.
Lately, I have so much that I feel about this, and I have no one to share my feelings with. So, that is why I am writing this as well today. I will spill my guts out to the world and hope for some great miracle to happen for me. I am not all about feeling bad for myself, I just want to get up and have the hope that I used to have in my life. And right now I am lacking that hope. And that is difficult for me, because I am normally I’m not like this. I am usually happy and I am willing to wear my heart on my sleeves for people.
So, as I look at the sun today, I am sure thinking I can learn a lot by watching what it brings here to this world. I mean I am sure the sun doesn’t want to do things a lot of days either that we don’t know about, but no matter what it picks itself up in it times of struggles and keep bringing them rays of hope down for us. You can learn a lot about nature and God and it’s purposes if you just look around you and listen. That is my point with this post today. If the sun has to always give it’s best for us, then I need to be the best for myself so that others can feel my light in there times of darkness as well.
Well the sun has set for another day, and when I was walking from my house to walking over to the office which by the way is like maybe 150 feet from the house, I look up and noticed the stars tonight. I took a bit and look up and realized the beauty of this world and what it has to offer. I mean we have so many things that can take your breath away, and looking at the stars always does to me. And I mean I have looked at them many times before in my life. But for some reason tonight was different then other nights due to the fact of where my life is going lately with all that I am battling mentally and physically.
This evening I went to Amherst and had dinner with my family and my grandfather that is 91 years old. I was just looking at him and was thinking to myself what an amazing life he really had. I mean born in 1925, and from that time he had an experience that many wished that could of had. He was in World War II, to getting married to the love of his life, to raising 4 beautiful daughters. And then later in life to loosing the love of his life. And now he is all alone in his house in Amherst. I know that he is a man of faith. I know that he believes in God, and he not ready to throw the towel in as of it. He is a fighter when it comes to his life.
Just watching him this evening just gave me a lot of hope. I mean he has battled a lot in his life and he is still battling just to survive. Surviving without his wife is a big thing for him for he doesn’t speak of it. But I know that he misses her and loves her so much yet even without her being in his presence. Here is another thing about him, he has a heart that is failing him as well. He had an major heart surgery at the age of 88 which is unheard of for the age that he was at. It was an experimental surgery. His odds were not good going into that surgery, but he is still here with us at 91.
But my point is with my grandfather is that he has beat the odds in everything that he has done. He is not a quitter by no means. He has lost the love of his life and he continues to love his life even though it isn’t the same by a long shot. Most people at his age would of gave up, a lot of people would of not want that live that long period due to what ever was going on in there life at that time.
I brought my grandfather into this tonight because he really was a star to me in the sense of what he has done in his life. And his light shine bright with this family. And looking up at the sky tonight made me think of him in the sense of that light that he shines down to all that he has touched in this world. So, this is I want to put out in the world for people to read because we all have something to give in this life. And if we are all stars like my grandfather was, then our light is important as his was in the sense that we need to shine for others in there time of darkness. If we can bring the light out of everyone that is looking for it, then this world would be a greater place to live.
So shine on stars and know that I know that the next time I look up that there will be extra lights beaming down on me for that the people that read this blog will know that they need to go out there and help someone so that they can shine even in a time of darkness. That’s what this is all about helping others in this time of dark times of there life.