I came back to my blog because my heart is very heavy at this moment with a lot of things on my mind. I will first talk about being lonely and how sometimes I struggle with this. I know that it is good to be alone it cleans out the soul and makes room for better things to come down the road. I feel like I want to find that peace that I am looking for and I just don’t know where to turn at this time to finding that peace I want to have in my heart.
I know that struggles are built into our lives. It is a part of everyone life. No matter where your life takes you there will always be some sort of struggles in it. I think that I feel so lonely because I miss the love of my life at this moment. I can’t erase her in my head and I feel that she wouldn’t want me to anyways. I used to always text her or call to see what was going on through the days, and now there is that void in it now. I keep looking at my phone thinking she might call or sent a text to me telling me how much she misses me, or a text to tell me to hang in there with your health scare, I am with you all the way through this with you. And I have the struggles of knowing that isn’t going to happen. This is all a bad dream for me.
Did I deserve any of this I ask myself this evening? I know that there is some thing you have control over and some things you don’t have the control over either. I know my life will get better if I can only get my head wrapped around these things. But for some reason I don’t want to get my head wrapped around them. I need to struggle in this for some strange reason here. I don’t like sitting at my desk and seeing my heart race and my mouth so dry that it hurts to take a drink of water. My hands are shaking, and my body is sweating hard.
The worse part is my brain is swelling and the doctors don’t know why that is either. It’s very hard for me to come to this computer knowing that the end might be coming around the corner this week if things aren’t going to be changing. And this isn’t what I wanted to be writing about tonight, I wanted to write about good things in this life. I know these struggles can get the best of anyone at anytime. But my struggles are very difficult in the sense to know that I have to keep moving forward in this alone. I know that taking the easy road is not the answers I need at this time. I have to live here, but living becomes very hard task when your life has these struggles that want to hurt you or not make you happy anymore.
I am and never was about taken the easy road here, I wanted my life to be happy the best way I could get myself down that road. At this time I have to bare with what I have in my life, and that is a major health issue, and the knowing of what I lost and I can’t get back. I never thought I would be at this part of my journey at 41. Most people have there life going the way they should be going. I know I can’t compare my life with others, but I need to figure out a game plan soon.
In closing this very sad post, I hope that if anyone is going through what I am going through knows that your not alone in your struggles. I am right beside you in this. Nothing easy about struggling, and the worse part is that you don’t want to struggle alone in your suffering. I pray for the miracles around me to find what will get me better first off, and secondly I have to keep believing in God and that he will send the spirits needed to move me forward in a better direction. This is all the hope that I could ever ask for. Thank you to all that have read this blog and these posts. I just hope that there is even something you can take out of any of these posts and apply them somehow to your life. May God be with us all in our times of pains and struggles.