Afternoon clouds.

I am back from the doctors office again, and they took a chest x-ray to see what was going on with my lungs and liver area, and nothing really showed up on the x-ray. Tomorrow I gear back up for more blood work again to see if anything of my levels went up more than they did before like the other day. I hope that they can find answers soon to these questions about my liver. I am more tired today then I was in the days before, I think it is because I am not sleeping and eating right at all. I am trying to keep my faith alive in these times of troubles.

I just have a hard time wondering where God is in these times of trouble. I mean I always heard it was good to question God, but don’t ever question your purpose in what he is doing for you. I know that feeling this way has me all over the board with questions and to how I should feel about this. I mean it doesn’t help me when I am all alone in this process. All my friends the few that I have are busy with there lives and it’s just hard to talk to them. I mean when it would come to moving or helping build something it was never a big deal. But then you get sick, then they are no were to found.

And I think a lot of the reasons are it hard on them as well. I mean my friend of 26 years is having a hard time because it makes you think to yourself as well. That first off that your not going to live forever as well. I mean these things come up when you hear that someone is sick in your family, or even your friends for that matter. But, I am learning that as we get older it’s hard to be there for the people that you love. I think when you start to think outside the box like I am here in this post, you start to think what is really important to you.

That is I think why your friends or family have a hard time being there for you in the times like these. I mean we try not to think about death, but we are born into death, and which means we have no choice other than to deal with it. And some of us get a long life, and then some of us get a shorter one due to God’s reasonings and I can’t and will not question God and them reasons. But, I have learned that I have to keep moving forward in this fight, and it’s been a hell of a fight lately. I want to share good news here on my post. I mean I don’t really know anyone that is reading this other than a few people here.

But again, I didn’t do this so that I could have a million followers, I did this for the reasons of letting my brain come apart in these words that I really feel because I have no one to talk to about them at this time. And I am not blaming anyone out there for this, it just how the cards fell for me.

But in the end, I will keep moving the best ways I can. And I will find a solution to this major problem. I know there is a lot of 2017 yet to see, this is the early stages of this year. I just want to make a goal that I see my 42nd birthday in December. With this said I have to make goals and dreams even if it is the smallest ones at this time. But until then, thank you again for all that have been keeping up and reading this, and make sure to love yourself and once you found that, then go out there and love one another…

Watching the snow come down…

Well today was another day with a few answer to my health issues that are going on. I am finding out with these issues how bad the health care system really is. I mean I been trying to tell the doctor my issues and it’s like they are not understanding my conditions here at all. Then on top of that to give me medicine that will make my liver hurt more isn’t what I was looking for today. I mean make sure you read up on what the doctor tells you to take before taken it. I learned that the side effects are the side effects that I still have going on now and why would I want to make things more worse in the sense of what I am feeling at this time.

I know that when you have more than one doctor looking at your case it becomes difficult to understand the key issues of what going on completely. I mean I have told them everything the best way I can about my issues and it just seems like I am talking to the wall lately, and then to give me medicine that will help, and then find out that it won’t just cause more set backs for me. And this is really hard to take at times because I just want to be over this feeling of not having hope here when it comes to my liver and it’s issues.

I will keep praying for a better day ahead of me. When all else falls in your life at least you can count on God to get you through the rest of the way. This is where you really test your faith in your life and have to put your trust into him. I know that we are not here to live forever and we all know that we have a curtain amount of time that we are playing with. And, I hope to get over this soon. I am afraid and scared to be honest with you. I feel like I never been down this road before, and that there is no one feeling what I am going through at this time. But then you find out that the world is full of people like myself struggling with issues. Again, this isn’t about a pity party here, this is about how to live through these tough times in your life.

My energy levels are getting weaker as the days move ahead, as I sit here watching the snow fall this evening, I try to take in the beauty of what the snow is doing. The snow is covering up all the dead things that have died this fall. And when you see the things all cover up it gives you hope in the sense that when spring arrives a new beginning will happen for the plants and the trees again. I look forward to that as well, I want a new beginning with my health too. And again, this is where I have to keep moving forward no matter what. My faith is being tested, and I have to be alright with this. I have no choice. But until then learn to keep loving yourself, so that you can go out and love one another…