Frustrations…

Frustrations is all I can feel at this time, and this post is going to be about just that word. I mean I have to get this stuff out of my closet to the way I am feeling, and I don’t really care about what people think, this is about me and nobody else for this matter. I am learning to deal the cards that were dealt to me when it came to who I am as a person. I am realizing one of the cards is my health. I don’t know how much is really left in my tank battling this. I mean I am trying my best to getting answers and all I am getting is the run around. I mean when you tell your doctor about the pains your feeling and they say well we are going to give you this miracle drug to fix it, that isn’t fixing the problem. I am not into drugs, or drinking for that matter. And sometimes to be honest I wish I was so that I didn’t have to feel these pains that I am going through here. I know better than turning to drugs and drinking anyways.

The point being is when is someone going to take the time to realize that I have a serious problem physically here. My mental health is breaking down over this as well, and too tell you the truth, when your afraid to go to bed at night because your afraid that your not going to wake up because of what the liver is doing to you then that is a serious problem. I mean I don’t go to bed until like 230 or 3 in the morning lately due to this issue that I am facing with myself at this time. I mean it is simple here and I am fighting everything that is in front of me. I am not this type of person that likes to fight everything all the damn time here. I am a person that has a lot of love to give, and when this goes on I feel like all the love that I have given means nothing anymore to anyone as I find this out lately. The world isn’t fair at all, and I think that I am entitled to answers and to come to find out I am not entitled to anything. And that is a very hard concept for me to realize here. I mean I want everything to work out, and yet when you don’t get answers life become more and more harder.

I feel like the only person in the world that wears my heart on my sleeves, and all I get in return from this is hurt or pain. I don’t really know what to say anymore when all I try to do is good things. I mean I am far from being perfect in this life, but I believe that given your time to people matters. But then when you think your getting somewhere, you find out that it didn’t matter in the end that’s the part that really hurts. I mean who I am to think that I can get straight answers out from anyone. The world doesn’t work that way and I have to realize this once again here.

Frustations for me are trying to find answers when sometimes there is no answers to any of it. And that sums up my day and this post for this matter. I just have to hang in there and figure things out yet, and sometimes that is the hardest part of it all. Being here and wondering if your going to live to see another day is not the way I want to live. But at least I got some of my frustrations out in this post. I kind of feel better in a weird way, but I needed this. That is why I started this blog I think, I want to be telling great things, but at the same time I want to keep it real with who I am as a person…

Getting through the darkness…

Well, I wanted to come on here this evening and there was a lot of me that didn’t want to come on for the reasons of me not feeling good today. It’s hard to keep your spirits high when your not feeling well lately. I just really did nothing other than sleep and lay around today, and to tell you the truth that is not me for just laying around and doing nothing here. But, I thought that I would come on here tonight to check in and see what was going on in the world through people’s eyes here. At least it takes my mind off the things that I needed to not think about. I don’t know if that last sentence makes any sense, but the point is that I am here looking around and getting ideas that take my mind of my own pains at least for the moment.

But anyways, I will keep this post really short, sometimes I find it better having shorter messages or posts for the reasons that it just makes you know that I am alive yet. There will be days soon when I will write more. I am just keeping afloat here for the mean time and if anything I wanted to share to the world tonight is that I am scared, and I know it’s okay to feel scared. I just hope to see another sunrise like I have been saying before, there are no guarantees that we have another day. So, with this said, thank you all that have been there for me in this struggle.