Well I am recovering…

I just got home to sit in front of my computer and to tell the world today that my morning surgery is over, and I am waiting for the results that hopefully will change my mind forever in the sense of moving forward. Am I scared, to tell you the truth I am scared as anyone would be if they were in my spot. I have to remain calm and hope for a great result, and even not a great result then I will worry about that a future time.

I will be in touch later with more posts, I need to go recover and take a afternoon nap. But thank you to all out there that have helped me in this  journey so far, your efforts will not be forgotten…

Love one another…

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. We think that we don’t deserve love, we think if we let it in we’ll become too soft. In the end, what of I learned is love is only rational act. We need to focus more on loving each other and loving ourselves in this world. With this all said, knowing this it makes your life more filling.

Let me talk about why I am bringing all this up for, I have lost the love of my life and for that I am not asking for anything in return, but I have to start to learn to love for myself again here. I have to love evening if there is a chance that I might die. And knowing that you can die at any time makes it better in the sense of that I better make the right choices when it comes to love so that I have no regrets on anything or anyone for this matter.

The bottom line here as you grow, you learn more about yourself. And I never stop thinking that we ever stop growing in our lives, even when it comes do dying. That is why I believe we should be fully present in what we do in our lives. Don’t worry about the things you have no control over, but control and stay in the focus of the present things that can change your outcome. None of this is easy at all. You have to try hard at everything we do as human beings. But I think when it comes to the focus on what ahead of you, then you need to give it all your attention. That doesn’t mean letting the past slip back in. The word past means it done already and you can’t get that time back. People always around say I am going to make up for lost time, and to tell you the truth about it, the lost time is gone. That is what the word lost means.

I know that we all struggle through these events in our lives. But taking issues on and making results out of them is more important that any pity party we can give ourselves at this time. That is love to me, it loving someone more than you love yourself. But not taking so far that you forget that who you are in this either. Love is a powerful word that gets used a lot in today world. But are we really understanding it power and what it really means for us?

Love to me is staying alive no matter what life will throw at you. And even after we die, love must stay there for the people around us, that’s very important part of love. I know that some people believe well how does love stay around after a person dies? And to tell you the truth it is the memories that where made out of love that keeps that person love alive in your heart. That is what I learned about love, it’s more than saying it to me, it’s keeping that flame in your heart about that person that changed your life in some ways of meanings. When I lost the love of my life, I didn’t just stop and changed directions, I went to her love and put it even more in my heart so that I could move on with my life. Yes, it is painful, but without pain we do not grow as human beings either.

Love has no limits of what a person can put on it. Love has to be patient in our lives. These are lessons that I am forgetting today about love. How can I remember to tell myself to keep loving in these times of struggles? Well if I had to answer my own question then I would have to tell myself that there are miracles at work, and that I can learn to not shut down, but to open up more in my times of trouble here.

So, leaving this post, the best thing you can do again for yourself today is to go tell someone that means something to you that you love them. I mean really do this, because there is no guarantee for the next hour of your life. So, go pick up our phone or go for that drive and see someone that you haven’t seen in weeks or months. Believe me when I tell you that there is no better gift of giving someone your time. There is no price for the time you can spend with people that care about you.

Well, I hope this helps people out there what my meaning of love is to me, from my heart to yours.

Going into the unknowns…

Well, I sit here after a day that I had to put our dog down, and I am looking out the window and the grey heavy rain clouds. I sit here and wonder why I am writing a post. I was really in no mood for writing anything today. I wanted to go out there and get a few things done before tomorrow’s big day. But the weather had to slow my ideas down of what I should of been doing. And maybe that is a sign that I just need to slow down a bit today and take my time and just figure out what next for my life. I mean I know that I haven’t been thinking about tomorrow’s big appointment for I don’t want to find out the results of what is truly going on with me at this time.

Then the other part of me is like maybe it is a good thing to find out then you can adjust your life to making things better in the end. I am so all over this post once again trying to figuring out what the plans are for me in the end here.

So I will end by saying even though it is raining out today, I will try my hardest to making things happening in the sense of me slowing down a bit and realizing what I need to do and feel about after tomorrow’s big day so that I can plan for a better future for my daughter and myself. In the end this is all I have left is my daughter and myself. So, I pray to God that some miracles are coming around the corner for me that’s all I can do at this time anyways. I have to be a bit more patient in the sense that it will get better. I have no choice in this way of thinking…

Sam quote to Frodo…

One of the quote that sums up the day I had today, these words are some of the biggest words these little hobbits had. And to me if these little hobbits can make the difference so can I in a time of darkness too.

I can’t do this, Sam.

I know. It’s all wrong By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy.
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow.Even darkness must pass.

A new day will come.And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why.But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.

What are we holding on to, Sam?

That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

Looking out my window…

Well waking up today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I woke up and laid in my bed for a few hours talking to God and to asking him with do I need to do different than yesterday. I woke up and walked around to loosen the sore muscles in my body from sleeping wrong. I mean I sleep all different ways in my bed, I even rip the pillow cases off the pillows. I mean who does this at all? I don’t know to many people out there other than myself that take there pillow cases off when they are sleeping. You can call me weird on this, I am perfectly okay with that actually.  And to top this off,  when I away the sheets are off the bed and I am laying there like a cold dog with out his blanket. But that is nothing new for me. I never was much of a sleeper since my journey started with spirit. I mean I never thought that being with spirit would keep me as busy as I am to be honest with you.

So, with this said I am in my office and it is a little pass noon here, and I look out my window to see the clouds yet from the rain and snow storm we had last night, and I look at the ways of what nature is telling me to look at. My other window I see the horses eating out of there feeders and they look peaceful at knowing that they are loved by this family around them. When I was looking at the horses I was amazed to see how they handle the stress of the weather. I mean they find strength in everything that mother nature throws at them. I am no horse whisperer, but if I had to guess what they are thinking, I would have to say that they are thinking about no matter how big the storm that they overcome it quickly due to the nature that they can’t be thinking negative for they know the better things are coming down the path for them.

I can learn a lot about there energy and how they adapt to everything that nature throws at them. When things are rough in my life, I have the choice to making it better, or I could just sit in this and make nothing out of life. What good is life at that point when you can’t get out of what your feeling. So, I choose to live the life that I think will get me through what ever nature of spirit wants me to do at this time. Yes, it hard always knowing that your not doing good, then I remind myself that there are worse off people in this world right now that would love to have what I have even though it might not be the best option for them. Things can always be worse. I have to keep this in my mind that it always could be worse. I mean I get to eat food, and drink clean water today. Just as simple as that. How many people are thinking about drinking clean water today? So with this all said, I will going into town to help people with the spiritual thing they are looking for. I will stop and get some coffee and I will enjoy my ride into town looking at the beauty of what God has given to me today.

Last thing I want to say is look out your window at some point today and know that there are things in this world that are worth every second of why your alive. Don’t take all day to search for them, no need for that when the miracles are standing right outside your window.

Almost midnight here…

Well as another day closes out, I wanted to end this day with one last post of the evening. I know that my posts today were very hard because they have talked about my struggles and pains that I am currently going through. But I wanted to end this night my saying a few things here, and the first one is that I did get through another day, I know that it wasn’t all my doing. I know that God has helped me in this journey so very much and I owe it to him to tell him thank you even in my times of troubles. I mean with out his help I don’t think I would still be alive here. I mean these are the miracles I have to believe in no matter how bad things get for me. The bottom line I got to see another day when a lot of people didn’t make it through this day.

I have to keep things in perspective here no matter what, I mean I know its okay to go through the pains, but make sure that you always come back to center at the end of what your feeling. I am so thankful for having this day to come and lay these problems on the world, it is very cleansing for me to come here and lay the stuff in my head here in these posts. I know that things are going to get better and I need to keep that perspective again here. But when your not feeling good it’s hard to fill the love around you. It’s hard to let the things in that are good too for that matter.

So goodnight world for another day, and I pray that tomorrow will be a new day in the sense of what I need to accomplish to start feeling better about myself during these tough times in my life.

Goodnight moon and Goodnight stars… And good night people every where you are. And know that you are loved by all, and most important you are loved by God.

The game of Memory…

Well here I sit this evening and ponder my next thoughts here…

I mean I am so lost for words this evening, and that isn’t like me to feel this way at this time. I feel like where is the hope in this. My life has been full of twists and turns for me. I just want to be on a path where my life isn’t going to have them twists or turns. I mean I know there is no way of getting around it, but I am trying to find what normal is for me. And I know that there is no such thing as normal for everyone out there, but I am trying so hard to find a plan to be on for awhile until I figure out my situation here.

I went to the doctors this afternoon, and I found out that the nervous system is playing a huge part to what I am feeling. I am loosing my memory of the simple everyday life tasks. I never thought I would be forgetting my birthday, or how to get back to my house. Or even yet what are my dogs names at times. When your walking around your house your balance is so off your walking into doors. Even at night when you wake up you get scared in your own bedroom thinking is this my house. And if it’s my house why don’t I remember anything in it.

I mean I know I can come to this computer and write a post. But then again why can’t I remember my dogs name, or remember that I have to drink water so I don’t dehydrate myself. You never realize how good things are until your having these issues like I am. I mean I am 41 years old with a lot of life yet, so I think. But when your forgetting the simple things of where you are. These are becoming problems. I learned that these issues of memory are serious for me at this time my doctor said and that they are nothing to play with.

I am writing this post to remind myself of my issues more than anything here. I know this seems crazy to who is ready this, but I do know how to get here yet, and that is hope for me at this time. I just hope my memory doesn’t get worse than what I am feeling at this time.

I always thought growing up that I would live forever and have the life of what everyone dreams of here, and then when your health starts to fail you then it’s an eye opener in the sense of that your not going to live forever. My liver and pancreas is failing me at this time due to this it is causing brain issues like memory loss due to the toxins not flushing through my liver at this time. I am being poisoned by my own liver and it’s causing other organs to start to fail. My big tests are on Friday morning and I am afraid of what they are going to find out to be honest with you. But telling you what is going on with me, might explain to the reasons my posts are so frustrating to me. This really isn’t like my to feel these thoughts. But when your sick as I am they say it perfect to feel these thoughts.

I just have a hard time believing in anything at this time. But I will continue to move forward until I can’t post anymore due to these serious issues I am facing. But in the end thank you to all that have taken the time to send your comments to me. And I hope to maintain what I can the best way I know how with this sickness. God blessings to you and your families out there, and remember one thing if I could tell you something here.  If your texting or looking at Facebook or any social media device, take the time to put them down and go give your family and friends or husbands or wife a call when you can. Hearing a voice is important these days. And the next time you see a loved one give them a hug, even if they don’t want one, because you never know what can happen from day to day, or from minute to minute in your life.

These are the things I wanted to tell you this evening…

I will be posting again soon with update and hopefully better stories of what I am all really about here. Until then take care of one another…

Something to think about…

Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he’d rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It is easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be, or so it feels, welcomed with open arms. But go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find?

A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

Of coarse it’s easy enough to say that God seems absent at our greatest need because He is absent, non-existent. But then why does He seem so present when, to put it quite frankly, we don’t ask for him?

These are some of thoughts I feel with my last post about struggles. I don’t want to question God’s purpose but to put it like I said before I just want to find that peace that has been a long waiting my soul.


Struggles in life…

I came back to my blog because my heart is very heavy at this moment with a lot of things on my mind. I will first talk about being lonely and how sometimes I struggle with this. I know that it is good to be alone it cleans out the soul and makes room for better things to come down the road. I feel like I want to find that peace that I am looking for and I just don’t know where to turn at this time to finding that peace I want to have in my heart.

I know that struggles are built into our lives. It is a part of everyone life. No matter where your life takes you there will always be some sort of struggles in it. I think that I feel so lonely because I miss the love of my life at this moment. I can’t erase her in my head and I feel that she wouldn’t want me to anyways. I used to always text her or call to see what was going on through the days, and now there is that void in it now. I keep looking at my phone thinking she might call or sent a text to me telling me how much she misses me, or a text to tell me to hang in there with your health scare, I am with you all the way through this with you. And I have the struggles of knowing that isn’t going to happen. This is all a bad dream for me.

Did I deserve any of this I ask myself this evening? I know that there is some thing you have control over and some things you don’t have the control over either. I know my life will get better if I can only get my head wrapped around these things. But for some reason I don’t want to get my head wrapped around them. I need to struggle in this for some strange reason here. I don’t like sitting at my desk and seeing my heart race and my mouth so dry that it hurts to take a drink of water. My hands are shaking, and my body is sweating hard.

The worse part is my brain is swelling and the doctors don’t know why that is either. It’s very hard for me to come to this computer knowing that the end might be coming around the corner this week if things aren’t going to be changing. And this isn’t what I wanted to be writing about tonight, I wanted to write about good things in this life. I know these struggles can get the best of anyone at anytime. But my struggles are very difficult in the sense to know that I have to keep moving forward in this alone. I know that taking the easy road is not the answers I need at this time. I have to live here, but living becomes very hard task when your life has these struggles that want to hurt you or not make you happy anymore.

I am and never was about taken the easy road here, I wanted my life to be happy the best way I could get myself down that road. At this time I have to bare with what I have in my life, and that is a major health issue, and the knowing of what I lost and I can’t get back. I never thought I would be at this part of my journey at 41. Most people have there life going the way they should be going. I know I can’t compare my life with others, but I need to figure out a game plan soon.

In closing this very sad post, I hope that if anyone is going through what I am going through knows that your not alone in your struggles. I am right beside you in this. Nothing easy about struggling, and the worse part is that you don’t want to struggle alone in your suffering. I pray for the miracles around me to find what will get me better first off, and secondly I have to keep believing in God and that he will send the spirits needed to move me forward in a better direction. This is all the hope that I could ever ask for. Thank you to all that have read this blog and these posts. I just hope that there is even something you can take out of any of these posts and apply them somehow to your life. May God be with us all in our times of pains and struggles.

Well the sun in still shinning.

Today started off hard for me. Just getting out of bed was a chore for me. I mean when you don’t sleep and eat right when your not feeling good things never are quite the same. I never felt so depressed as I looked out the window at the sun. But something has been plaguing for some quite time here, and that is waking up alone with yourself and your thoughts. I mean these are two different battles that I face. Sometimes I don’t know which one I should face first to be honest with you. I know that it is okay to be alone. And then the other hand it would be nice to wake up to that person that loved me for who I was.

Loosing people in your life, is a part of life. And sometimes that is hard to wrap your feelings around to be honest with you. One minute you can share your dreams with the one that you loved, and the next minute you don’t have that anymore. That is a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I know I need to survive and be the person that I was born to be, and then at the same time all you want to do is just cry to yourself.

Lately, I have so much that I feel about this, and I have no one to share my feelings with. So, that is why I am writing this as well today. I will spill my guts out to the world and hope for some great miracle to happen for me. I am not all about feeling bad for myself, I just want to get up and have the hope that I used to have in my life. And right now I am lacking that hope. And that is difficult for me, because I am normally I’m not like this. I am usually happy and I am willing to wear my heart on my sleeves for people.

So, as I look at the sun today, I am sure thinking I can learn a lot by watching what it brings here to this world. I mean I am sure the sun doesn’t want to do things a lot of days either that we don’t know about, but no matter what it picks itself up in it times of struggles and keep bringing them rays of hope down for us. You can learn a lot about nature and God and it’s purposes if you just look around you and listen. That is my point with this post today. If the sun has to always give it’s best for us, then I need to be the best for myself so that others can feel my light in there times of darkness as well.