Looking out my window…

Well waking up today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I woke up and laid in my bed for a few hours talking to God and to asking him with do I need to do different than yesterday. I woke up and walked around to loosen the sore muscles in my body from sleeping wrong. I mean I sleep all different ways in my bed, I even rip the pillow cases off the pillows. I mean who does this at all? I don’t know to many people out there other than myself that take there pillow cases off when they are sleeping. You can call me weird on this, I am perfectly okay with that actually.  And to top this off,  when I away the sheets are off the bed and I am laying there like a cold dog with out his blanket. But that is nothing new for me. I never was much of a sleeper since my journey started with spirit. I mean I never thought that being with spirit would keep me as busy as I am to be honest with you.

So, with this said I am in my office and it is a little pass noon here, and I look out my window to see the clouds yet from the rain and snow storm we had last night, and I look at the ways of what nature is telling me to look at. My other window I see the horses eating out of there feeders and they look peaceful at knowing that they are loved by this family around them. When I was looking at the horses I was amazed to see how they handle the stress of the weather. I mean they find strength in everything that mother nature throws at them. I am no horse whisperer, but if I had to guess what they are thinking, I would have to say that they are thinking about no matter how big the storm that they overcome it quickly due to the nature that they can’t be thinking negative for they know the better things are coming down the path for them.

I can learn a lot about there energy and how they adapt to everything that nature throws at them. When things are rough in my life, I have the choice to making it better, or I could just sit in this and make nothing out of life. What good is life at that point when you can’t get out of what your feeling. So, I choose to live the life that I think will get me through what ever nature of spirit wants me to do at this time. Yes, it hard always knowing that your not doing good, then I remind myself that there are worse off people in this world right now that would love to have what I have even though it might not be the best option for them. Things can always be worse. I have to keep this in my mind that it always could be worse. I mean I get to eat food, and drink clean water today. Just as simple as that. How many people are thinking about drinking clean water today? So with this all said, I will going into town to help people with the spiritual thing they are looking for. I will stop and get some coffee and I will enjoy my ride into town looking at the beauty of what God has given to me today.

Last thing I want to say is look out your window at some point today and know that there are things in this world that are worth every second of why your alive. Don’t take all day to search for them, no need for that when the miracles are standing right outside your window.

Almost midnight here…

Well as another day closes out, I wanted to end this day with one last post of the evening. I know that my posts today were very hard because they have talked about my struggles and pains that I am currently going through. But I wanted to end this night my saying a few things here, and the first one is that I did get through another day, I know that it wasn’t all my doing. I know that God has helped me in this journey so very much and I owe it to him to tell him thank you even in my times of troubles. I mean with out his help I don’t think I would still be alive here. I mean these are the miracles I have to believe in no matter how bad things get for me. The bottom line I got to see another day when a lot of people didn’t make it through this day.

I have to keep things in perspective here no matter what, I mean I know its okay to go through the pains, but make sure that you always come back to center at the end of what your feeling. I am so thankful for having this day to come and lay these problems on the world, it is very cleansing for me to come here and lay the stuff in my head here in these posts. I know that things are going to get better and I need to keep that perspective again here. But when your not feeling good it’s hard to fill the love around you. It’s hard to let the things in that are good too for that matter.

So goodnight world for another day, and I pray that tomorrow will be a new day in the sense of what I need to accomplish to start feeling better about myself during these tough times in my life.

Goodnight moon and Goodnight stars… And good night people every where you are. And know that you are loved by all, and most important you are loved by God.

The game of Memory…

Well here I sit this evening and ponder my next thoughts here…

I mean I am so lost for words this evening, and that isn’t like me to feel this way at this time. I feel like where is the hope in this. My life has been full of twists and turns for me. I just want to be on a path where my life isn’t going to have them twists or turns. I mean I know there is no way of getting around it, but I am trying to find what normal is for me. And I know that there is no such thing as normal for everyone out there, but I am trying so hard to find a plan to be on for awhile until I figure out my situation here.

I went to the doctors this afternoon, and I found out that the nervous system is playing a huge part to what I am feeling. I am loosing my memory of the simple everyday life tasks. I never thought I would be forgetting my birthday, or how to get back to my house. Or even yet what are my dogs names at times. When your walking around your house your balance is so off your walking into doors. Even at night when you wake up you get scared in your own bedroom thinking is this my house. And if it’s my house why don’t I remember anything in it.

I mean I know I can come to this computer and write a post. But then again why can’t I remember my dogs name, or remember that I have to drink water so I don’t dehydrate myself. You never realize how good things are until your having these issues like I am. I mean I am 41 years old with a lot of life yet, so I think. But when your forgetting the simple things of where you are. These are becoming problems. I learned that these issues of memory are serious for me at this time my doctor said and that they are nothing to play with.

I am writing this post to remind myself of my issues more than anything here. I know this seems crazy to who is ready this, but I do know how to get here yet, and that is hope for me at this time. I just hope my memory doesn’t get worse than what I am feeling at this time.

I always thought growing up that I would live forever and have the life of what everyone dreams of here, and then when your health starts to fail you then it’s an eye opener in the sense of that your not going to live forever. My liver and pancreas is failing me at this time due to this it is causing brain issues like memory loss due to the toxins not flushing through my liver at this time. I am being poisoned by my own liver and it’s causing other organs to start to fail. My big tests are on Friday morning and I am afraid of what they are going to find out to be honest with you. But telling you what is going on with me, might explain to the reasons my posts are so frustrating to me. This really isn’t like my to feel these thoughts. But when your sick as I am they say it perfect to feel these thoughts.

I just have a hard time believing in anything at this time. But I will continue to move forward until I can’t post anymore due to these serious issues I am facing. But in the end thank you to all that have taken the time to send your comments to me. And I hope to maintain what I can the best way I know how with this sickness. God blessings to you and your families out there, and remember one thing if I could tell you something here.  If your texting or looking at Facebook or any social media device, take the time to put them down and go give your family and friends or husbands or wife a call when you can. Hearing a voice is important these days. And the next time you see a loved one give them a hug, even if they don’t want one, because you never know what can happen from day to day, or from minute to minute in your life.

These are the things I wanted to tell you this evening…

I will be posting again soon with update and hopefully better stories of what I am all really about here. Until then take care of one another…

Something to think about…

Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he’d rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It is easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be, or so it feels, welcomed with open arms. But go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find?

A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

Of coarse it’s easy enough to say that God seems absent at our greatest need because He is absent, non-existent. But then why does He seem so present when, to put it quite frankly, we don’t ask for him?

These are some of thoughts I feel with my last post about struggles. I don’t want to question God’s purpose but to put it like I said before I just want to find that peace that has been a long waiting my soul.


Struggles in life…

I came back to my blog because my heart is very heavy at this moment with a lot of things on my mind. I will first talk about being lonely and how sometimes I struggle with this. I know that it is good to be alone it cleans out the soul and makes room for better things to come down the road. I feel like I want to find that peace that I am looking for and I just don’t know where to turn at this time to finding that peace I want to have in my heart.

I know that struggles are built into our lives. It is a part of everyone life. No matter where your life takes you there will always be some sort of struggles in it. I think that I feel so lonely because I miss the love of my life at this moment. I can’t erase her in my head and I feel that she wouldn’t want me to anyways. I used to always text her or call to see what was going on through the days, and now there is that void in it now. I keep looking at my phone thinking she might call or sent a text to me telling me how much she misses me, or a text to tell me to hang in there with your health scare, I am with you all the way through this with you. And I have the struggles of knowing that isn’t going to happen. This is all a bad dream for me.

Did I deserve any of this I ask myself this evening? I know that there is some thing you have control over and some things you don’t have the control over either. I know my life will get better if I can only get my head wrapped around these things. But for some reason I don’t want to get my head wrapped around them. I need to struggle in this for some strange reason here. I don’t like sitting at my desk and seeing my heart race and my mouth so dry that it hurts to take a drink of water. My hands are shaking, and my body is sweating hard.

The worse part is my brain is swelling and the doctors don’t know why that is either. It’s very hard for me to come to this computer knowing that the end might be coming around the corner this week if things aren’t going to be changing. And this isn’t what I wanted to be writing about tonight, I wanted to write about good things in this life. I know these struggles can get the best of anyone at anytime. But my struggles are very difficult in the sense to know that I have to keep moving forward in this alone. I know that taking the easy road is not the answers I need at this time. I have to live here, but living becomes very hard task when your life has these struggles that want to hurt you or not make you happy anymore.

I am and never was about taken the easy road here, I wanted my life to be happy the best way I could get myself down that road. At this time I have to bare with what I have in my life, and that is a major health issue, and the knowing of what I lost and I can’t get back. I never thought I would be at this part of my journey at 41. Most people have there life going the way they should be going. I know I can’t compare my life with others, but I need to figure out a game plan soon.

In closing this very sad post, I hope that if anyone is going through what I am going through knows that your not alone in your struggles. I am right beside you in this. Nothing easy about struggling, and the worse part is that you don’t want to struggle alone in your suffering. I pray for the miracles around me to find what will get me better first off, and secondly I have to keep believing in God and that he will send the spirits needed to move me forward in a better direction. This is all the hope that I could ever ask for. Thank you to all that have read this blog and these posts. I just hope that there is even something you can take out of any of these posts and apply them somehow to your life. May God be with us all in our times of pains and struggles.

Well the sun in still shinning.

Today started off hard for me. Just getting out of bed was a chore for me. I mean when you don’t sleep and eat right when your not feeling good things never are quite the same. I never felt so depressed as I looked out the window at the sun. But something has been plaguing for some quite time here, and that is waking up alone with yourself and your thoughts. I mean these are two different battles that I face. Sometimes I don’t know which one I should face first to be honest with you. I know that it is okay to be alone. And then the other hand it would be nice to wake up to that person that loved me for who I was.

Loosing people in your life, is a part of life. And sometimes that is hard to wrap your feelings around to be honest with you. One minute you can share your dreams with the one that you loved, and the next minute you don’t have that anymore. That is a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I know I need to survive and be the person that I was born to be, and then at the same time all you want to do is just cry to yourself.

Lately, I have so much that I feel about this, and I have no one to share my feelings with. So, that is why I am writing this as well today. I will spill my guts out to the world and hope for some great miracle to happen for me. I am not all about feeling bad for myself, I just want to get up and have the hope that I used to have in my life. And right now I am lacking that hope. And that is difficult for me, because I am normally I’m not like this. I am usually happy and I am willing to wear my heart on my sleeves for people.

So, as I look at the sun today, I am sure thinking I can learn a lot by watching what it brings here to this world. I mean I am sure the sun doesn’t want to do things a lot of days either that we don’t know about, but no matter what it picks itself up in it times of struggles and keep bringing them rays of hope down for us. You can learn a lot about nature and God and it’s purposes if you just look around you and listen. That is my point with this post today. If the sun has to always give it’s best for us, then I need to be the best for myself so that others can feel my light in there times of darkness as well.

Looking at the stars…

Well the sun has set for another day, and when I was walking from my house to walking over to the office which by the way is like maybe 150 feet from the house, I look up and noticed the stars tonight. I took a bit and look up and realized the beauty of this world and what it has to offer. I mean we have so many things that can take your breath away, and looking at the stars always does to me. And I mean I have looked at them many times before in my life. But for some reason tonight was different then other nights due to the fact of where my life is going lately with all that I am battling mentally and physically.

This evening I went to Amherst and had dinner with my family and my grandfather that is 91 years old. I was just looking at him and was thinking to myself what an amazing life he really had. I mean born in 1925, and from that time he had an experience that many wished that could of had. He was in World War II, to getting married to the love of his life, to raising 4 beautiful daughters. And then later in life to loosing the love of his life. And now he is all alone in his house in Amherst. I know that he is a man of faith. I know that he believes in God, and he not ready to throw the towel in as of it. He is a fighter when it comes to his life.

Just watching him this evening just gave me a lot of hope. I mean he has battled a lot in his life and he is still battling just to survive. Surviving without his wife is a big thing for him for he doesn’t speak of it. But I know that he misses her and loves her so much yet even without her being in his presence. Here is another thing about him, he has a heart that is failing him as well. He had an major heart surgery at the age of 88 which is unheard of for the age that he was at. It was an experimental surgery. His odds were not good going into that surgery, but he is still here with us at 91.

But my point is with my grandfather is that he has beat the odds in everything that he has done. He is not a quitter by no means. He has lost the love of his life and he continues to love his life even though it isn’t the same by a long shot. Most people at his age would of gave up, a lot of people would of not want that live that long period due to what ever was going on in there life at that time.

I brought my grandfather into this tonight because he really was a star to me in the sense of what he has done in his life. And his light shine bright with this family. And looking up at the sky tonight made me think of him in the sense of that light that he shines down to all that he has touched in this world. So, this is I want to put out in the world for people to read because we all have something to give in this life. And if we are all stars like my grandfather was, then our light is important as his was in the sense that we need to shine for others in there time of darkness. If we can bring the light out of everyone that is looking for it, then this world would be a greater place to live.

So shine on stars and know that I know that the next time I look up that there will be extra lights beaming down on me for that the people that read this blog will know that they need to go out there and help someone so that they can shine even in a time of darkness. That’s what this is all about helping others in this time of dark times of there life.