Shaking the beehive some more…

Well I am back home, and I find myself being at my computer instead of resting. I come here to vent to the world, and I know that my posts haven’t been truly the best lately at all here when it comes to anything in my life. And for this I am sorry. But lets get back to the reasons why I am here tonight. I am here to letting you know that I got all my medical records today and looked them all over with a fine tooth comb and found out a lot of things that the doctors never even told me when I was in the hospital for the last seven days.

I am not going into details about this for there is no reasons for this at this time. But, I have to shake more of the beehive this week, and to tell you the truth and I am tired of getting stung by the bees I shake out from that hive. Which means ever bee I talk to which I really mean in the doctors are not given me the straight answers like I thought I was getting. I am so tired of this crap to be honest with you. I am burned out in the ways that I want not to keep focusing on my health, this has taken a lot away from me lately. It has taken my life and spun it around in so many ways.

I want to get back to truly what normal is for me. And do you know what normal was for me? ┬áNormal was getting up early in the morning and watching the sun rise and getting a good workout in before 6AM, now I can’t even get up until like after 9. Normal was going to the coffee shop and people watching and then just talking to a stranger you never met before and asking him how his day was, that is what I miss. I mean being sick you turn into a werewolves or an evil monster you feel like. And that isn’t me by a long shot here. I just want to wake up with knowing that I can go out and make that difference again in my life and the others around me.

I will get there again, I have no choice in this. I must keep this fight going no matter at what cost. I found out to that today my medical bills have ran me over 400,000 dollars. Thank God for my insurance that I have. These last few months 400,000 dollars. And the crazy part is no answers to this yet to the way I am feeling inside. I feel like that the money is just passing hands and no one really cares in the end anyways. I know it’s not about money here, it’ about what ahead of us. What road or path I am going to take from this point forward. I just have to stay strong and embrace these struggles a little longer I think. My answers are in them struggles, I just need to sit back and relook at these struggles to see if I am missing any details from them.

In the end, I hope that everyone out there is having a good weekend, and I hope it full of happiness for what ever it is your doing. I will be posting more later, I think it’s that time to take the dog for a short walk in the dark. I need to re-group my thoughts here. But until next time take care of yourself and the others around you.

Off to the month of February…

Well off to another month, and first off I would like to say is that I got some answers today to what they are going to do with my liver. On Friday at 9 in the morning they are going to do a ERCP to me, which means Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography. Which means in big words is that they are going to drain the liver and pancreas. This is to see if there is any blockage in the liver that is causing me to have the failure that I am dealing with. This test is going to be having me under for 5 hours or better and taking a scope down through my stomach into my liver and pancreas to make sure again to see what is really going on with my body and why it is rejecting sugar and other things to making the liver work properly.

Am I nervous? I am very nervous in the sense to hope that they can finally get down to the nuts and bolts and see what is really going on with myself. So these next few days I am going to be taken things easy as I can. I just pray that there will be some kind of answers for this. This is where my faith comes into play again.

Well, I want to focus on other things before Friday big day here. I want to post things that matter the most to me in case something weird would happen. I know if I haven’t told you before that I have a six year old daughter and she is beautiful. And to tell you the truth I haven’t said anything to her about my health is the sense that I am trying to protect her. I want her life to be as fun as it can get, and I don’t want her to worry about me. I know that I will be breaking this news to her in the coming days, and it’s hard as a father to sit and tell your daughter that your sick. I will have to put that into words only where a six year will understand what is truly going on. I want to be that strong father for her, I want to see her grow into something that makes me cry in the sense that she bettered herself.

Its’ hard to know that your sick, and to tell your daughter and she is my only child is the hardest thing I will ever do. I mean I know she is strong and will over come what I tell her because I will keep it simple as I can possibly can keep it for her. See, what a lot of people don’t realize I was abuse as a child all the way until my teenage years. I never wanted for my daughter to go through what I went through. And to tell her that daddy is sick is not what I really wanted to do at this point of my life. I usually don’t bring my daughter to the table in my posts, because I am always afraid of one day that she will look this blog up and see how weak I was as a person. I come to this blog to share my feelings, and it doesn’t matter what people think, it’s about me healing with this site. I find comfort here for some strange reason and I don’t really know why that is.

But one day my daughter will be old enough to sit and have these talks like I am here on this post. But I need to let my daughter have the best childhood I can give her with the little bit that I have left. I love her so much, and she deserve better. That is what life really is about to me. It’s about having a child, but more importantly to giving them a better life than you had. I know that I am failing in lots of ways, but I know one thing is that I am doing the best with what I do have in front of me. My family is close to me and they know my struggles lately, and they are very supportive of my life and what I do in it.

So, in closing this post, I want to make these next few days the best ever for me and for my daughter. I want to show her that you can overcome anything that comes your way, and showing her through the faith and hope of God is how you get this done. I know that I am alone and don’t want to live this life without a partner, like I said yesterday I know she is out there and will love me and my daughter. I just can’t waste time in the sense that it coming when I think it really is. I have to keep my faith strong in knowing it coming, but until then to continue the mysteries of what God has for me and my daughter. Until be safe and love one another…