Today it’s about love…

Well today is about love, and that is the simplest message of the day. I hope that if your with your loved one that you show them something that you normally don’t show them the other 364 days of the year. I will keep this post short, and I will leave this with.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease, where there are tongues, they will be stilled, where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now e see only a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face.

And now these three remain, faith hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

May your day be blessed as the God Lord will see it fit…

Monday thoughts…

Well off to another Monday and it is in full swing today for me. I had to call many doctors today and see if I can get myself to a better a spot before it gets to late for me as my liver is going. But more than making them phone calls, it was nice to see the sun outside and the temps to be in the middle 40’s today. And the rest of the week the temps are going to be climbing into the 50’s and lower ¬†60’s maybe. Which is unheard of for this time of year here. But I am okay with this. It better than being below zero for temps.

So, this is going to be a short post, but I wanted to tell people out there that I hope that they are having a great Monday. The reasons I am saying this is because it is proven that more heart attacks happen on Monday then any other time of the week. There are many reasons behind this fact, but I don’t want to go into all the reasons for it would take way to long to list all of them. But the better and more important part of this post is that I am taking the time to tell yourself to enjoy what is in front of yourself. You never really know what the next hour might bring you. So just take the time for a minute or two, and thank God or what ever you believe in that your alive for another day. That is what this post is about to be thankful for all that is in front of us. I don’t want to be that number that is a heart attack here. I want to be that number that moves my life forward in a direction that betters myself even when the day is Monday. With this said take care of each other and go out there and give a hug to someone that you never hugged before!

Had to get this off my mind…

I am here to talk about something that I never wanted to share before to anyone in this world, and yet using this site means that the world will know what I am going to share. I need to get this off my chest and I hope that the world will understand me when I try to write this the best way I can here.

I am writing to tell you this afternoon that I am single, and I that I am alone. I have a beautiful daughter and I don’t really have to much other than the simple things that I can do for my daughter. I am putting this message out to the world this evening that maybe God or the angels can bring me someone that will change my life for the better. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life, and I know that I have baggage here, but then again who doesn’t have any of some sort? But, I am reaching out and throwing the rest of my heart out there to see if maybe that there is a chance of some small miracle.

I don’t believe in luck, I believe that things happen for reasons that we have no control over, and to sit here and share my feelings of loneliness is one of the hardest things I ever done in my life. I mean who comes to a blog site and throw all these feelings down like I do, and take chances like this? I mean I know if I want to go find someone I could use a dating site, or go out to a club or bar, but I am not that type of person. I am the type of person that believes that I will run into her at some point in my life, maybe even right here at this blog. Or maybe I will meet her getting groceries with my daughter, or in a state park. I could go on and on about this, but if you are out there, or if you are reading this at this very moment could you give me some kind of special sign? I mean I am a person that has a lot to offer in this world. And I would love to share the things I know when it comes to things that I can relate to here.

I know this is a long shot, but then again life is about taking chances. I know that if I don’t stick my head out there then I will be gaining nothing from anything. It’s hard to know what is going to happen when I publish this post, but one thing is that I am not scared for a minute.

What made me write this today? Well a couple of things actually. First off, is that I need someone that will listen to me and when it comes to things that we can just take the walk or sit in front of a warm fire and just listen to each other and not fix any problems. It’s just about having that company that you can see in front of you that really cares about you.

Second thing is that love is more than a word that you say at the end of the day or when you wake up, it means that you love a person for who they are, and you love the faults they went through because that is what made you attractive to that person. If everyone was perfect there would be no point of being together, just my thoughts for what they are worth. But love has power to heal, love has power to listen and not fix the problems at hand all the time. Love has the ways of showing that you can get through the days even when they are the hardest. Love means that no matter what you are always connected to the person that you want to be with. I know this is crazy what I all said here in this post, but I had to put this out there because if she is reading this post, I know that she will be feeling the same feelings that I have.

I didn’t want to hide what I feel. I didn’t come to write in this blog to make everything sound so great, I came here to find peace in my heart first off, and secondly I came here to see what the world is doing with itself. So, in closing thank you for taking the time to reading this again. I know sometimes I don’t have the best words to use here, but I have to try at some point. So, I will leave by saying, I hope that maybe the world will bring me that special person sooner than later. And when you do come into my life, I don’t want you to be afraid of me judging you, I want you to be as open as I can when it comes to what is pressing you at the times of your life. Take care of yourself out there and who knows what the evening will bring.

Shaking the beehive some more…

Well I am back home, and I find myself being at my computer instead of resting. I come here to vent to the world, and I know that my posts haven’t been truly the best lately at all here when it comes to anything in my life. And for this I am sorry. But lets get back to the reasons why I am here tonight. I am here to letting you know that I got all my medical records today and looked them all over with a fine tooth comb and found out a lot of things that the doctors never even told me when I was in the hospital for the last seven days.

I am not going into details about this for there is no reasons for this at this time. But, I have to shake more of the beehive this week, and to tell you the truth and I am tired of getting stung by the bees I shake out from that hive. Which means ever bee I talk to which I really mean in the doctors are not given me the straight answers like I thought I was getting. I am so tired of this crap to be honest with you. I am burned out in the ways that I want not to keep focusing on my health, this has taken a lot away from me lately. It has taken my life and spun it around in so many ways.

I want to get back to truly what normal is for me. And do you know what normal was for me? ¬†Normal was getting up early in the morning and watching the sun rise and getting a good workout in before 6AM, now I can’t even get up until like after 9. Normal was going to the coffee shop and people watching and then just talking to a stranger you never met before and asking him how his day was, that is what I miss. I mean being sick you turn into a werewolves or an evil monster you feel like. And that isn’t me by a long shot here. I just want to wake up with knowing that I can go out and make that difference again in my life and the others around me.

I will get there again, I have no choice in this. I must keep this fight going no matter at what cost. I found out to that today my medical bills have ran me over 400,000 dollars. Thank God for my insurance that I have. These last few months 400,000 dollars. And the crazy part is no answers to this yet to the way I am feeling inside. I feel like that the money is just passing hands and no one really cares in the end anyways. I know it’s not about money here, it’ about what ahead of us. What road or path I am going to take from this point forward. I just have to stay strong and embrace these struggles a little longer I think. My answers are in them struggles, I just need to sit back and relook at these struggles to see if I am missing any details from them.

In the end, I hope that everyone out there is having a good weekend, and I hope it full of happiness for what ever it is your doing. I will be posting more later, I think it’s that time to take the dog for a short walk in the dark. I need to re-group my thoughts here. But until next time take care of yourself and the others around you.

Off to the month of February…

Well off to another month, and first off I would like to say is that I got some answers today to what they are going to do with my liver. On Friday at 9 in the morning they are going to do a ERCP to me, which means Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography. Which means in big words is that they are going to drain the liver and pancreas. This is to see if there is any blockage in the liver that is causing me to have the failure that I am dealing with. This test is going to be having me under for 5 hours or better and taking a scope down through my stomach into my liver and pancreas to make sure again to see what is really going on with my body and why it is rejecting sugar and other things to making the liver work properly.

Am I nervous? I am very nervous in the sense to hope that they can finally get down to the nuts and bolts and see what is really going on with myself. So these next few days I am going to be taken things easy as I can. I just pray that there will be some kind of answers for this. This is where my faith comes into play again.

Well, I want to focus on other things before Friday big day here. I want to post things that matter the most to me in case something weird would happen. I know if I haven’t told you before that I have a six year old daughter and she is beautiful. And to tell you the truth I haven’t said anything to her about my health is the sense that I am trying to protect her. I want her life to be as fun as it can get, and I don’t want her to worry about me. I know that I will be breaking this news to her in the coming days, and it’s hard as a father to sit and tell your daughter that your sick. I will have to put that into words only where a six year will understand what is truly going on. I want to be that strong father for her, I want to see her grow into something that makes me cry in the sense that she bettered herself.

Its’ hard to know that your sick, and to tell your daughter and she is my only child is the hardest thing I will ever do. I mean I know she is strong and will over come what I tell her because I will keep it simple as I can possibly can keep it for her. See, what a lot of people don’t realize I was abuse as a child all the way until my teenage years. I never wanted for my daughter to go through what I went through. And to tell her that daddy is sick is not what I really wanted to do at this point of my life. I usually don’t bring my daughter to the table in my posts, because I am always afraid of one day that she will look this blog up and see how weak I was as a person. I come to this blog to share my feelings, and it doesn’t matter what people think, it’s about me healing with this site. I find comfort here for some strange reason and I don’t really know why that is.

But one day my daughter will be old enough to sit and have these talks like I am here on this post. But I need to let my daughter have the best childhood I can give her with the little bit that I have left. I love her so much, and she deserve better. That is what life really is about to me. It’s about having a child, but more importantly to giving them a better life than you had. I know that I am failing in lots of ways, but I know one thing is that I am doing the best with what I do have in front of me. My family is close to me and they know my struggles lately, and they are very supportive of my life and what I do in it.

So, in closing this post, I want to make these next few days the best ever for me and for my daughter. I want to show her that you can overcome anything that comes your way, and showing her through the faith and hope of God is how you get this done. I know that I am alone and don’t want to live this life without a partner, like I said yesterday I know she is out there and will love me and my daughter. I just can’t waste time in the sense that it coming when I think it really is. I have to keep my faith strong in knowing it coming, but until then to continue the mysteries of what God has for me and my daughter. Until be safe and love one another…