Last full day of March…

Well this is the last day of March and I can’t believe that my post is about the last day of this month already. Hard to believe that the time keeps moving so very fast. Well, spring is upon us here in this State of Wisconsin. The temps are going to be in the middle 60’s all weekend long and I think that is a great start to the beginning of April. But, this month what can I say about it, I survive two surgeries and I have made a few close friends this month in the sense of what I have all gone through as far as the health is going. One of them is very close in the sense of walking that trail with me on the path, and the other close one that I have is in New York and that she will be coming home soon after graduation from college. I am so proud of my sister I can’t even begin to tell you the words that I am feeling about her in the sense of how proud as a brother I really am of her. I know that we are close and yet we are 20 years apart in age, but I find it like she been my age the whole time of knowing her in the sense of how she has grown to be an amazing sister and even better yet an amazing woman.

Just know in the end I wanted to say that I hope that April will be many great memories for all that are around me. I mean I hope that everyone out there will have a great month without to many struggles in there life. I know that I have been an open book so far since I have been on this blog, and I will continue to keep being real here, and I know that a lot of things that I will still get off my back as the days goes on. I find this blog really a helpful tool in my life lately,. The few people that I have met on here have been angels in there own regards, and yet these two people that I know that have been through a lot in there life, but they still take the time to check in with me. I call these two people on here my friends, but yet on the other hand I feel like they are my family in the end, because they know everything about me in the sense of what I am going through here in my life. And I will keep taking these people on my journey with me as long as they can keep up with me on the trail. There is my tiger and there is my panther that have been my best of friends on this journey, and I wanted to give you both a warm hug for taking the time to helping me see things at times of my life, and then also to make me think outside the box as well when it comes to the issues at hand here.

So, in closing good-bye March 2017!

I will miss you in the sense of what you taught me, and what you taught me was to keep moving forward in my life no matter what happens, and to keep the people in your life the closest as you can because in the end these are the people that you are going to need the most in your life. And March if I can say, I hope when you return in 2018, that you will be more kinder to me in the sense of my health, and my family and my friends for that matter. So, off to April we go and in the end be good to each other and the people around you at all times. And to always remember to dream of the better days to come…

Feeling lost at this time, and is that okay to feel lost at times???

It is 9 o’clock here for me and I thought that I would write one last note for I retire for the evening. Actually, I am a night owl not by choice but I have to be for this is when I get my best work done in an 24 hour day. But I come here tonight to get some things off my chest that have been bugging me and I wanted to be truthful on these things. I know that I do this for my own well being this blog, but then again I have a few people that mean the world to me on here that I owe it to as far, as my life has been going. I know that things for me haven’t been the easiest and I am having a hard time this evening in the sense of finding the words to write. I know that I am strong and this isn’t about for me being strong, this is about me coming to realize that there are things in motion that sometimes can’t be changed at this time. And I will explain this the best way I know how to you.

I know that my health has been one hell of a ride in these last few months or I should say almost 9 months. I know that I am recovering, and that is great, and that is great to have the support system around me at this time during this time of physical pain I am going through. I am writing to tell you ever out there that cares that I am struggling mentally about myself in the sense that it’s always hard to be the strong one here. I mean I never show a weakness in that sense of that I need to be strong all the time. I am writing because sometimes I just need to let my guard down for awhile and let this pain pass through me in the sense of the mental side of my life. The problem is when your always the strong one, no one seems to care about you in the sense as they should because you never show any signs of weakness to anything that is going on around you. And to tell you the truth I am not looking for a pity party this evening. I am looking for someone to understand me in what I am feeling at this time. Again, life is good and I can’t be mad that I am still alive, and I won’t for that matter. I am blessed, and I know this. But I am carrying such a deep pain lately that I can’t describe to you.

It’s also easy to fix others when your feeling your pain. To me I don’t have to think about it as much going through someone else pain. But I know in my heart that isn’t the answers I am looking for is to burying my pain in others. I am looking for that person that I wish I just could talk to in person like I used to have. Loosing the love of my life let me tell you was the hardest thing to know that she will never come back into the door, or sit with you, or go for them long walks with you. See, that is the hardest part that I am feeling at this time. I know that love is out there for me, but I am afraid of that word love. For all that love gave me in the end was a pain that I am still dealing with many years later in my life. I know that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I am so scared to feel that love again with anyone.

It’s hard to raise a daughter and tell her that you love her, and feel honest about that love you share with her. I mean she doesn’t remember any of the pains I went through. For that is a good thing at this time. But there will be a day that I will be honest with her and I will tell her the truth about what happened to me when that time is right in her life of coarse. But why I am ┬áso good at telling people to hang on to the love of your life? Why am I always saying in the end that love is something so powerful that even God himself will never pull you apart from if you really believe in it. And then I get pulled away from it, and I feel all I do is punish myself in my heart for this, and that isn’t fair to me or anyone else around me. I am suppose to be honest and truthful at all times here, but when I don’t bring this up I feel that I am lying to the people that matter the most. I mean no one has questioned me about the love of my life since she has been gone. And I am okay with it, then again I am not at the same time.

Why did I come to this blog tonight and write about this, I should be deleting this post for it makes no sense to anyone out there. I just needed to get this off my heart that I am tired of being alone, and that I am tired of missing her so much in my heart that there is nothing I can do about that at this time. Well, I guess I will keep praying for some miracles about me feeling this way, I know in my heart that I am a great person, and I know that the spirits will find me that person when that time is ready for me. I just never thought that being alone like this would be so hard. But then again I know I have my daughter and my parents. And also I have people in my life like this spirit tiger that I talk too on here through the comments we leave each other. Maybe this is what this journey on this blog for me was about, it was about letting go of the things I have no control over like I said in an earlier post, but then again I think it was about meeting more spiritual animals along the way as well.

I know that Master you are watching what I am typing this evening, and your anniversary of your death is around the corner too. And I know that you would be telling me to keep moving forward and who cares in the end of what people think of me. As long as my heart is pure nothing will ever stop me from being with all the animal spirits. And Master your right about being pure, it has been the hardest road I have ever been on so far, but knowing that being true inside your heart set everything else into motion for others to see. And tiger you have seen a lot of me in the past few months here, and I know one thing is that you been helping through these rough patches on this trail that we are currently on. But I mean this when I say this, thank you for all your warm words, and thank you for checking in like you do. I know that your life has been so busy, but it’s your spirit that keeps hope alive like I said before. So with this said a warm hug goes out to you my tiger spirit as again I wrap my warm feathers around you.

And then there is you my sister my panther spirit. What can I say about you? I mean you are almost done with your schooling and I couldn’t be any prouder of what kind of beautiful woman and spirit you have become in this world. I will be in New York in May to watch you walk across that stage and you will know that I was in the crowd with my head held high in the sense of what you been to me in this life. So, thank you panther spirit, and may my wings be around your neck as well to feel that love that I will always have for you…

Being tired, but staying true to your heart…

The day is off and running again. And let me tell you one thing is that is it moving way to fast. I mean we are approaching April this weekend. And I feel I want to the clock to slow down for a bit so that I can catch my breath and learn to breath again. Today I went out and worked some crane kata with the trees and winds behind me. It was nice to work forms again. You really miss the beauty behind these animals, and I even worked a little snake and panther as well. Tomorrow I will do some tiger forms and dragon form as well. You can’t work all these forms at once. You have to take the time to see what each animal is teaching you. Like today the crane was teaching me to stretch my muscles more next time so the next time I can look more like the wings of the crane. My arms haven’t worked these forms for over 8 months and I can feel the soreness in them today when I work softly on them. But I will have to just take things slow for awhile yet, as I heal yet. My doctors appointments are all done for this week. Next week some heart issues I need to address with them. But working these forms made me feel as free as the crane today. I felt that I could fly away up into that blue sky and look down on myself and see what I all went through in the past few months. When I return to my body, I had to smile and realize that I am alive. And I am going to beat this.

I don’t cry to often but I did cry today because of all the emotions that were running through my head. I know it okay to cry, but I was a big mess after I was done crying. Why did I cry you asking? Well, I think that when you work through these forms you see things in a different light then you did before, and taking flight today was scary first of, because I never thought I was going to fly again with the sickness. Then looking down at yourself you think if I made it through all of this, what is next. Then you catch your breath and tell yourself not to think about them things that you have no control over at this time. And to me that is where I started to cry. I was letting go of the things I had no control over in the end. And that takes a lot to be honest with yourself in this journey that your on.

I just know when it came to being the snake today and working them katas well lets just say that I learned from my sprit friend about how to keep moving when it’s the hardest to move. And the snake also showed me that it’s okay to feel tired after what you have gone through in your life. How can you think you can fully recover if you don’t get enough rest for yourself. And how could I disagree with the snake? I couldn’t for he was right, it was about it was nice to work these forms, but take your time, and that we as the spirit animals are not going anywhere. And to me that makes perfect sense in the end. There is no race or time that you have to put on yourself in the end, and I also have to think that there has to be deadlines in everything I do in this life. And listening to the snake and the crane today made me realize there is no deadlines. Just do things because you feel them truly in your heart, and if you don’t feel them, then just breath and take time for that rest. When you rest you clear your mind even better than it was before.

So, that has been my day so far, and I hope to keep moving forward like I know I will. But the clouds have returned and I have to realize even mother nature rests when she needs too. So, on this note take your time in your life and really look at the things that you have control over, and put things to rest that you don’t have control over. I know that I am far from perfect on this, but again I think you find peace in your heart that much sooner if you just listen to the simplest messages from your heart. Hope that your all having a good day out there today, and in the end stay true to yourself you never know what might happen if you keep believing in the good in this world…

Cloudy day again in many ways…

Well another round of rain and snow to be hitting the area later today. I know that I always talk a little bit about the weather, and that reason is because the four seasons are just as important as the animal spirits around you at this time. The animal spirits need all four seasons to survive as well. But today was a very hard day for me in so many ways. I mean I lost a great friend in my life, and she was a very great person to me in the 15 plus years that I have known her. Death is a really hard thing to get your head around, and I don’t care at what age you are, everyone just handles death so differently. I mean I am so numb at this time, and I don’t really know why I am so numb to be honest with you. I mean I should be showing more emotions and I just can’t at this time. And there are times in my life that I wish I had a person in it that I could sit with and have coffee or tea and just talk about what happens in my life. But I am still okay with that, I know that God has a plan for me at some point in my life. It’s sometimes really hard to sit and wait for his plans to unfold at times.

But, then my daughter comes to me in the times of trouble and asks me about simple things that are going on in her big life. And at the time I wasn’t wanted to hear about the things of my daughters life. But then it dawn on me about what she was talking about, and she was talking about a friend that she played with on the playground and she got sick and had to go to the ER. And I asked her how she was feeling about it, and she looked at me and she said that she felt bad and sad about it. And I asked her do you want to talk more about it, and she looked at me again, and told me that she told me this story because I needed to know that I wasn’t the only one that was hurting at this time of your life. And I didn’t know what to think or say, and my daughter also said to me that we have to pray when it’s the hardest to pray. And I remember always telling her this from time to time. And it just surprises me that she remembers all these little talks we had.

It’s okay to feel the feelings of what your going through, but you have to remember that life does move on and the sooner you find peace at what going on in your heart, the better you are going to be for everyone else. And my daughter needed me that afternoon, and I needed my daughter for that matter too. I realized that I am not the only one that can feel this way. The whole world is feeling a pain from something. I mean my daughter, I could I not love her for her unconditional love for me. And I am proud that she is where she is in this life.

See who ever thought that a coyote and a crane would be on that path at the same time. I mean coyotes are an animal that shows a lot of compassion in the times of trouble in someone else life. And this crane learned a lot more respect to what the coyote was teaching me this day. It’s okay crane to feel all the pain you need to feel, but in the end I need you on this path with you. For you have things to teach me yet, and I have so much to offer to you as well. I find these stories of my life so amazing. Who would of thought that many years later that my daughter would be that coyote. I mean I never thought less of her, but she taking on an animal that has something to say to this world, and I could not be any prouder of her then I am now.

So in closing, today is about me just getting my head wrapped around the news at this time. But more importantly it is still living life at the same time here in the end. That coyote spirit needs me more than anything in this world, and one thing is that this crane is going to be flying away soon. Until then take care of each other and learn to look for them small miracles in your day. You never know what will show up if you believe…

Archie and the tea party…

Well the sun shinning high as it can in the sky. I was with my Newfoundland Archie today and I was laying with him in the sun, what a great afternoon the temps are in the lower 60’s for the first time in since early February. That is a picture of Archie the Newfoundland. He is only 14 weeks old, and he will grow up fast as in like 200 pounds and full of a great heart to serve the people around Archie’s world that care. I have grown up with Newfie for over 25 years or more and they love you more than they love themselves let me tell you. If you want a loyal dog, this is the dog to have, and my daughter is so much in love with Mr. Archie. Let me tell you that they are going to have many tea parties together and the best part is that I am going to have a tea party with Archie and my daughter too for that matter. It’s time to come down to my daughter’s world and being six for a few hours having a tea party is just what I need I think.

I mean I find it important more then ever to taking these memories with me. I know that I want to have my daughter to be 18 years old, but on the other hand having a tea party at six is just as good. These are the memories as a father that I need to have with her. I will have to post a picture of the both of us. I mean everyone think we look so much a like it crazy. All my closest friends that are dear to me say, if I was born as a girl this is what I would of looked like. Actually let me see if I can find that photo now for you to see me.

IMG_7187.jpg

Well there is my coyote spirit next to the crane spirit. As you can see that smile is what I live for in my daughter. She is the reasons why I get up in the morning. And having that tea party is what I need like I said before. These are the times of my life that I need to be there for my little coyote. Before you know it she will be a full grown coyote, and I should not wish life away for it is not for me to do.

But I think who ever reads these post will see that we are very close in photograph. I will let you leave comments on who the prettier one is, and I know that my little coyote takes the prize for them looks. But I will close this by saying, go do something that you aren’t used to doing. I am telling you life is full of wonders in it, and it isn’t that hard to find these wonders of miracles. On that note, I must go get ready for that tea party with the Archie and my little coyote. Enjoy the mysteries of God and have a great rest of your afternoon.

Madison update from the doctors…

Well, just got done with the doctors in Madison today and learned a lot about what my body is going to be going through in the next few weeks to months. And I realize one thing is no matter what is going to happen with me is that my spirit will remain strong as it can get. My heart functions are not working quite right due to the toxins in the blood stream yet, and I hope that I can fight these toxins off with what I can do in the sense of staying healthy. I know that my diet will or I should say must change for the better, but loosing 44 pounds means I am far from being over weight here, I have to change my diet so that I can slowly put some weight back on me at a safe level. Being six foot two inches tall and weighing just at 165 pounds is not a normal weight for me at all. I should be at 220 pounds that is a healthy weight for being as tall as I am. But, my problem is when I am stressed out I never eat. I can go for days at a time without food intake. And all I do is drink tons of water to make sure that my kidneys and bladder not fail me in this process.

The pancreas will recover slowly yet as well, they think that after it was torn a few months ago that it will repair itself back to normal. There is no medicine or surgeries for the pancreas. Like the doctor said that is not one organ you want to screw with, the pancreas is the meanest organ of the body because you can not replace it. So learning that I will have to deal with the pancreatic pains for another 4 to 6 weeks yet. If not a little longer depending on how the body recovers. The liver enzymes are still higher than normal yet as well. Again, it’s about what I eat that will bring them levels to a happy middle for my body.

So am I out of the woods yet here you might be asking yourself?

Well, to tell you the truth the main things are heart and pancreatic functions are the two major things to look at for sure. The liver I think after the surgery they did last week and how I change my diet should recover just fine.

How do I feel mentally?

Again, I am trying to look forward in my life and I am trying to live a better life knowing that these things are still a fight in my body at this time. I will not give up on this battle. Life is to important to let a few pains stop you from getting what you want from this world. I know that I can’t over do things here and that is one of the hardest things for me yet. I feel like I want to move mountains and all I can do is move stones at this time. And to tell you the truth I am okay with moving the stones at this time. A close spiritual tiger told me once that I should be happy that I just am alive and behind my desk and working. And that is very true what she told me. And again to tell you the truth I am happy because I got a second chance at this life and I am not going to blow this chance again. I found out after today that a lot of people have died with that surgery I had. And it was a very major operation and I am glad to say that I am still here typing away on my blog.

I also mentally feel that I have seen things so differently going through all of this…

I see things in a different light for starters. I see things that would of normally bug me not to bug me anymore. When it comes to my daughter leaving the house a mess, who really cares in the end. It was that I showed my daughter love and compassion that makes it worth more than any dirty house I could live in. And my daughter teaches me the simple rules of life by watching her grow in front of my very own eyes. And even though the messages are simple, that in the end you have to really listen to them. So when I say something to my daughter I have to realize it goes both ways here. Like a tiger spirit told me just to make sure that you stay focused on the positive things in life. These are the simple things I have to remember why I am going through these ups and downs of life.

Well, with this all said now you have some what of an update to knowing where I am sitting mentally and spiritual at this time of my life. Again take care of yourself and the others around you…

I got schooled today…

Well, today it still raining out for starters and I went over to see my grandfather in Amherst and had some lunch with him. And he is 92 years old and a gentle soul. But after I had lunch I drove back home to the farm. And I was thinking to myself about my daughter and how she had some many things she needed to get off her chest. I don’t remember being the age of 6 and asking a million questions. And the funny thing every time you would give her the answer she would forget about it because she was such in a hurry to ask the next questions. And I remember one my daughter asking me, why I don’t be nicer to the people around me lately. And at that time of my life there was so much pressure in my life, having all the health issues and working on top of being sick, and then there was my daughter that needed my every second as well. I swear I never slept at all, I mean if I got 2 hours a night I was lucky.

That might be the reason to this day that I am a night owl. I mean I am a white crane in the day light, and then turn into an owl and night. Which as in yesterday post, I was saying how you have to take all the animals into our life and take what you can from it. But getting back to the story I am a night owl trying to survive by all these things going on in my life. Then my daughter tells me that I have to learn to take things easier because I was always crabby at her, and my nature is not a crab by choice here let me tell you. But to my daughter I was a crab. But she was telling me one day that she was learning that being sad and angry serves no purpose in what we are doing. And I asked her where she learned that? And she told me that she learned it by watching me showing compassion to other people and telling her always be nice to the people around us for they might have a lot of offer someday to you.

I said to my daughter you remember me saying this to you, and she smiled and told me of coarse daddy I remember it, because every time you think I wasn’t listening actually I was listening to you. And know you need to listen to me daddy, you need to show more love for the things around you. And remember she is 6 years old and she is schooling me telling me about how life should be. I found that amazing that she actually remembered that talk that afternoon.

But the point is I had to smile knowing my little coyote spirit was teaching me a lesson in life. And being an older crane I thought I had this all figured out for myself, then it dawn on me that I didn’t because my coyote spirit had to school me again and made sure that I didn’t forget what was in front of me. And what was in front of me was this world, and I better learn to show that compassion because you never know again who your going to run into in the end. And last thing is this that spirit that my daughter has is pure, and how dare me to forget that she loves me no matter how many times I don’t think that she is really listening to me.

So with all this said, this rest of this afternoon goes well for who are are following me, and if you think that your younger spirits aren’t listening to your lessons in life, nine times out of ten you will be surprised what comes out in the end. But stay true to yourself and the others around you…