It is 9 o’clock here for me and I thought that I would write one last note for I retire for the evening. Actually, I am a night owl not by choice but I have to be for this is when I get my best work done in an 24 hour day. But I come here tonight to get some things off my chest that have been bugging me and I wanted to be truthful on these things. I know that I do this for my own well being this blog, but then again I have a few people that mean the world to me on here that I owe it to as far, as my life has been going. I know that things for me haven’t been the easiest and I am having a hard time this evening in the sense of finding the words to write. I know that I am strong and this isn’t about for me being strong, this is about me coming to realize that there are things in motion that sometimes can’t be changed at this time. And I will explain this the best way I know how to you.
I know that my health has been one hell of a ride in these last few months or I should say almost 9 months. I know that I am recovering, and that is great, and that is great to have the support system around me at this time during this time of physical pain I am going through. I am writing to tell you ever out there that cares that I am struggling mentally about myself in the sense that it’s always hard to be the strong one here. I mean I never show a weakness in that sense of that I need to be strong all the time. I am writing because sometimes I just need to let my guard down for awhile and let this pain pass through me in the sense of the mental side of my life. The problem is when your always the strong one, no one seems to care about you in the sense as they should because you never show any signs of weakness to anything that is going on around you. And to tell you the truth I am not looking for a pity party this evening. I am looking for someone to understand me in what I am feeling at this time. Again, life is good and I can’t be mad that I am still alive, and I won’t for that matter. I am blessed, and I know this. But I am carrying such a deep pain lately that I can’t describe to you.
It’s also easy to fix others when your feeling your pain. To me I don’t have to think about it as much going through someone else pain. But I know in my heart that isn’t the answers I am looking for is to burying my pain in others. I am looking for that person that I wish I just could talk to in person like I used to have. Loosing the love of my life let me tell you was the hardest thing to know that she will never come back into the door, or sit with you, or go for them long walks with you. See, that is the hardest part that I am feeling at this time. I know that love is out there for me, but I am afraid of that word love. For all that love gave me in the end was a pain that I am still dealing with many years later in my life. I know that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I am so scared to feel that love again with anyone.
It’s hard to raise a daughter and tell her that you love her, and feel honest about that love you share with her. I mean she doesn’t remember any of the pains I went through. For that is a good thing at this time. But there will be a day that I will be honest with her and I will tell her the truth about what happened to me when that time is right in her life of coarse. But why I am so good at telling people to hang on to the love of your life? Why am I always saying in the end that love is something so powerful that even God himself will never pull you apart from if you really believe in it. And then I get pulled away from it, and I feel all I do is punish myself in my heart for this, and that isn’t fair to me or anyone else around me. I am suppose to be honest and truthful at all times here, but when I don’t bring this up I feel that I am lying to the people that matter the most. I mean no one has questioned me about the love of my life since she has been gone. And I am okay with it, then again I am not at the same time.
Why did I come to this blog tonight and write about this, I should be deleting this post for it makes no sense to anyone out there. I just needed to get this off my heart that I am tired of being alone, and that I am tired of missing her so much in my heart that there is nothing I can do about that at this time. Well, I guess I will keep praying for some miracles about me feeling this way, I know in my heart that I am a great person, and I know that the spirits will find me that person when that time is ready for me. I just never thought that being alone like this would be so hard. But then again I know I have my daughter and my parents. And also I have people in my life like this spirit tiger that I talk too on here through the comments we leave each other. Maybe this is what this journey on this blog for me was about, it was about letting go of the things I have no control over like I said in an earlier post, but then again I think it was about meeting more spiritual animals along the way as well.
I know that Master you are watching what I am typing this evening, and your anniversary of your death is around the corner too. And I know that you would be telling me to keep moving forward and who cares in the end of what people think of me. As long as my heart is pure nothing will ever stop me from being with all the animal spirits. And Master your right about being pure, it has been the hardest road I have ever been on so far, but knowing that being true inside your heart set everything else into motion for others to see. And tiger you have seen a lot of me in the past few months here, and I know one thing is that you been helping through these rough patches on this trail that we are currently on. But I mean this when I say this, thank you for all your warm words, and thank you for checking in like you do. I know that your life has been so busy, but it’s your spirit that keeps hope alive like I said before. So with this said a warm hug goes out to you my tiger spirit as again I wrap my warm feathers around you.
And then there is you my sister my panther spirit. What can I say about you? I mean you are almost done with your schooling and I couldn’t be any prouder of what kind of beautiful woman and spirit you have become in this world. I will be in New York in May to watch you walk across that stage and you will know that I was in the crowd with my head held high in the sense of what you been to me in this life. So, thank you panther spirit, and may my wings be around your neck as well to feel that love that I will always have for you…