Wow this is what this feels like again to come on here and write. Well, I have been in a heck of battle with my health at this time and that is making hard to come here and write lately. I have been battling liver issues yet and pancreatic issues as well as the heart and lungs too. My heart and lungs are not working right lately due to the liver being so very toxic and it has caused my lungs to fill up with fluid and I have been in and out of the ER a few more times since I have been on here. It’s hard to believe that my last time I was on here was May 1st. And the thing that happens is that time keeps moving forward no matter where you are and what you are feeling. And you learn to manage your time so much better because again there is no guarantees that you granted another morning. But I am here to tell you again that I am fighting my hardest on this to live and make this the best fight of my life. There has been nothing easy on this road of recovery for it has been over nine months as this all started for me.
I know that I am having a hard time lately mentally and that is why I haven’t been coming on to this site. I am having a very hard time with my memory as well. I know that my body is being attacked at this time, but I am going to fight the fight here. I know that if I don’t I would cheat myself and the people that matter the most to me. I know that it’s hard to stay moving forward and it’s hard to be staying strong. There is a lot of people in this world around me that are suffering, and my sufferings are no different to the people around me. I find out it really about attitude in the end. And I am been working on strengthen my attitude as this time goes by. But when you hear the doctors giving you a time line then you feel the world slip around you, because you never think that you would ever hear about how long you have to live. I mean I was used to hearing that all around me, and telling myself that wasn’t going to happen to me, then you find out when it happens to you that your world stops for a moment. And after that moment passes by, then you have to make a choice on what you want to do with this news. I took this news at first and was angry to hear that there is a time line. Then I took a breath and told myself to get myself together for my little coyote and my family. The hardest thing is when they come and tell you this news and your father is with you and your father looks at you and tells you that I shouldn’t be burying my son. That this isn’t right by no means here. And then you tell yourself that you have to fight hard. No matter what happens in the end that you have to fight hard.
I have been going in out of the hospitals and it’s pretty bad when you know the staff by there first names. It bad that you know that a needle is going back into your arm for more testing, it’s bad when you sit down and ask yourself how much is left in your tank. And after the visit to the doctor office you tell yourself that you made it one more day. It might of not been a good day, but you made it. And sometimes that is all that has to happen in a day. I have learned that miracles are around you and the miracles are small ones that I look for. And just to know you made it through some of the most painful days in your life, that your alive. There are so many people that are going to die after I write this. And yet at the same time there are babies being born. To me that is life in a nutshell.
I have been staying focused on my daughter and a few close friends lately. And I struggle with these things too. But these few friends keep me alive in the sense of telling me this is the way it has to be. You can’t die and we won’t let you die. And them are good friends to have at the end of the day when you have puked maybe 14 times and had no food in your system for over 3 days due to the pancreas fighting it as it is in the system. I mean the simple things in life became the hardest things for me. Think about the next time you get some food and sit and eat it. Think about how it passes through you with no issues. Well in my case my body fights it when it enters my mouth and as it passes through my system it has a hard time to get it where it needs to go. Then the next thing that happens is that your on the toilet and your puking all over again like shorty after eating like 15 minutes of less. But going back to what I am saying it is the simplest things that I am struggling with. Try sleeping on your side, for you can’t lay on your back or stomach. Or better yet sleep in a chair like I have to do. Nothing is so simple anymore. My brain is getting attacked too in the sense I am having a hard time remembering things that are a normal thing to be remembering. Like first off just making sure the stove is off, or even shutting the lights off when your done.
See why my frustrations get high? See why I struggle as I try to stay positive. But I am learning that dying is a good thing as well for me. I mean we all are dying, and I am realizing for the first time that I have to except it. There is no way around death. None what so ever. I mean I have to make the best of my time. Even the simplest of things might be the hardest for me, but there is a reason for this. There is a lesson for me in this struggle. What that lesson is maybe to realized to take what you have left and make the best of it. Maybe on the other hand the message is just as simple to staying alive.
I had a close friend last night tell me that I was having a pity party because I asked her a few questions about things that were really bugging me at that time. And to tell you the truth she is one of the best friends you could ever ask for in this world. And her honesty and keeping things real is one of the best miracles she has in her pocket at this time. But getting back to the pity party, I don’t believe I was having one. Pity parties aren’t my cup of tea. But when you have been going through all this I think once in awhile your entitled to have one. But I refuse to have them even though I get mad at the world, I think that it ends up being in the end that I have no choice other than to keep fighting this. And my closest friend said that she would not want anything less. And I understand that from her, but she needs to realize that maybe there is no cure for what is going on, and that the time we have now is something that we need to be focusing on more than the disease of the pancreas and the liver. Again, I will be fighting this disease with the best tools that I have, but I think that it is important to look at the time we have in front of us. You never know what tomorrow will bring for any of us. And my friend if your reading this just know that I love you more than anything that this world has in it. And that I want to look and talk to you if as I am not dying here anymore. I know that I am worried just like you are, but lets talk about anything that can put a smile on our faces.
In the end of all of this, I learned a lot about things. I learned that having a disease doesn’t mean it’s the end of all things. It just means that I fight harder than anything I ever could do for anyone at this time. And writing in here to getting my feelings out was a great experience again on here. I am about keeping things real as they get, and having good friends that tell me how they feel about me makes this journey even better for me in the end. And I am sure that a few of them that read this will tell me that I never knew that you were struggling this bad, and if your thinking that I am no different than anyone else with the struggles in there life. We will win in the end and we will take these struggles and used them for learning tools for others that need to hear it. With this said be good to yourself and the others around you…