Well I am back for another message here to letting you know what is going on with me. I am in the process of having two more surgeries coming up here in the coming days. But over all my mental health is being affected with all of this stuff, there is nothing easy about being me in the sense of my physical and mental health. My physical health has gotten to the point that it is hard to move around. I mean just walking or drinking a cold glass of water has become major issues for me. I mean my body is being attacked and there is nothing I can do about that at this time. It going to fight what ever it is going to fight in the end. And that is the mental health issues that I hate, my body is fighting off pain and it really hurts more than I ever thought it would. I mean the pains in my body are strong and they are real, and it is really hard to be happy in the end about anything. I know that I have to keep fighting but when the mind is weak it’s hard to focus on the good things in life. Trust me when I say this I would never want anyone to go through what I have gone through at this point of my life. But the bottom line in the beginning of this is that there is going to be much more pain in this journey of this pancreatic and heart issues that I am having to go through at this time.
But I also want to tell you that even though there is a lot of pain and suffering at the moment that I am learning a lot about myself in ways that only pain and suffering can teach a person at this time. I know that no matter what happens that I will be okay with what happens. I know that I have friend out there and she is that kind of tiger that tells me to keep fighting no matter what happens. And to tell you the truth tiger, I am fighting hard as this crane can fight. The animals are around me in this journey and I know that they are telling me your words as well tiger. But there comes a time that you have to start preparing for things that might not go your way, and I am learning that death is just the beginning of better things. I do NOT wish for death, even though that this pain is crazy and that I am mental tired at this time. But I am starting to feel more comfortable in my head that no matter what happens I will be okay. I have been preparing for a lot of things in my life these last 10 months and is it scary? Hell yes, it VERY scary. But you have to remember that I have that daughter that little coyote that loves me and I am doing my hardest to making sure that her life will be good with or without me in the end of it.
And I know these hard hard words to swallow at this time, trust me I know it because I am feeling it everyday. But I don’t want to leave any stones unturned here. And that is what I am doing with my health as well. I mean I am going to have more medical teams in the coming weeks and I am not going to give this fight up, and the problem is that your sitting there and putting your hands into these people that maybe know what to do and then on the other hand maybe they don’t have a clue to what it really is. But no matter what I know that my faith is being tested here, and I am okay with that actually. I just know that my struggles are hard ones at this time. And I don’t want the outcome to end like this, I know that Amy wouldn’t want this for me as well. I mean she was a fighter in her life and she brought much joy to me until her death. I never thought that I would be in this position at this time of my life, but then again who ever knows when something like this will strike you.
Life is full of the mysteries, life is full of things that are good and bad. The main thing you have to remember is that life is what you make, and that good always wins over evil. And if this is an evil thing my heath well I know one thing is that it won’t last forever. And I hope that my posts will change for me in the coming days and weeks, because I want to show that you can get through these rough times if you believe in your heart that you really can. So, in closing I will try my hardest to stay positive more in this time of darkness and I know that it can be really hard to do with all these issues going on, but I have to fight the fight, and I will continue to look for more miracles in the comings days. With this said like I always end this posts, be good to yourself and the others around you…
The worse part of the day is when you get a phone call from your doctor and he tells you that there is nothing more that they are going to do for this pancreatic issues that I am facing. I mean the treatment options is all I have and they aren’t to promising at this time. Due to that my body is not making things happening to making anything better. Now I am wonder what the next plan is in my life. Do I prepare for death, or do I keep finding other options here. I mean the next steps are the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and that would be all that I have left in the tank if they want to take on my case here. I am so upset today about this, I mean how can doctors be so mean and then on top of it they show no heart for what your going through in your life. I mean I am beyond the words at this time of feeling anything in my body. How do I tell my family that well the doctor called me and told me there are no more options?? I mean I am a fighter here, and I just need to figure this all out, and that means still going in for my treatment first off. Maybe there will be changes in this. I mean I have to make some phone calls as well to other cancer centers as well. I think that if there is a will that there is really a way here. I mean there really has to be something that I can do better. I just have to figure that out.
After that news I went out and took a walk with my father at my place, we walked around the barn and land that I have and we talked about the future of my farm and what I would like to see in the future. We talked about turning the barn into a house or a guest house for when people come and stay that they could have there own rooms and kitchen and bath area. Which I thought would look amazing in the end. And I want to build on the addition to the farmhouse that was built in 1847 as well. I mean there is a lot of possibilities for my place. I said to my father it is so amazing that we can make this place look so amazing, and at the same time I might never have the chance of seeing this dream come true for this place as I broke down in tears. I cried so hard, and I felt so bad to do this in front of my father, and he told me that we are going to get this done no matter what happens to you. I see that dream coming true, and you are going to be here to see it get finished.
I looked at my father and we never have to many heart felt talks and I was telling him then I must keep this fight going no matter what happens in the end. And he looked at me and told me that he has never seen me give up on anything, and he told me that life will throw things at us at the times we least expect them. But in the end he said it was my strength that will get me through these times. And I told him that I really didn’t have much strength left in the tank, and he looked at me and said again your a fighter and that my tank has been empty for the last 10 months and that if your tank didn’t have any in it then, how in the hell are you alive now? And that answer was that your a fighter even when all the gas in your tank is being used. So, keep fighting the fight no matter what, and I looked at him and said when are we going to move some dirt around for the barn, and he smiled and said anytime you want here son.
So in the end be good to yourself and the others around you, and even when your thinking your tank is empty you keep the fight going….
Well back to the doctors office in an hour to see where things are with my situation with my pancreas. I woke up to a rain storm this morning and as I was watching the rain come down I was thinking to myself how nice it really is to see a slow rain come down. The storms we usually get are really bad lately with a lot of wind and hail and damage winds. But to see a nice slow rain storm was really nice for a change. I know that your wondering why I am talking about a rain storm. But again to me it is about the simple things in my life that are getting me by at this time. I mean I really don’t want to go to the doctors office again today. I am so tired of being in them places, but again there is no choice, I have to want to live, and for that to happen I must say on this journey ahead of me. I know that the road isn’t easy, and I know that, but I have to keep moving in the end of things here.
Well, I just wanted to drop off this simple message today, and again hope to write more when I am feeling better at some point. The last note I have is that make sure you tell yourself never to give up on anything your doing in your life. Don’t take no from anyone, and the people that have told you no in your life never had the power to say, yes! Just remember that if there is anything I can teach you from reading my story. If there is a will there is always a way in the end. But until then take care of yourself and each other around you…
Well let me tell you going today was a very hard thing for me in the sense of what all happened to me. It hard to find out that you are battling major issues and yet you can find a way through the darkness. I mean I am not feeling the best first off and if this post seems like it is all over the place I am sorry, for if it is going to be shorter than normal. Please bear with me that the nausea has really kicked in and so is the lightheaded game as well. But I will try my hardest to keep you posted with this blog to the recovery of what I am going through at this time.
But, anyways I just wanted to thank the people around me for the miracles and the support that they are giving to me in this struggles at this time. But I will promise to keep you posted again. I have to go rest now, sorry for the shortness of this message. But please be good to yourself and the others around you…
Well I work up and had another change to to live to see another day ahead of me. I really didn’t sleep at all last night like maybe 2 or 3 hours at the most. There is so much in on my mind lately and I just really don’t know where to go with all of it. I mean between my health, my daughter and my friends the few that I have there seem to be so many problems. And the funny thing is I can only control what is mine in the end. I had a friend call me last night to check in and it was hard talking to him because it feels like that now that I been having troubles with my sickness that he is there. I mean word got out about pancreatic cancer and I am not worried that word got out there, but I am worried about the friends I do have and that this news has shocked everyone around me, and I was suppose to be these peoples rocks in there life that they could lean on, and know I feel that I am not going to be that person that will be there for them in the end. No matter how hard you fight the fight, you have to keep things real yet that you could die in the end of this process. And for me I haven’t really been thinking about death, and I know that I should in my own way maybe it would make things easier for me. And I have to remember that even though I am staying positive as I can, that I am still human in the end which means I have feelings. And lately I feel that I put all my feelings in a box and I been acting like everything is okay, and it really isn’t. I don’t like to be fake with anyone. But I don’t like when I have a few friends and family all telling me that your going to be okay. Sometimes I am not okay, and what is wrong feeling that?
I just know that I am doing the best that I have with the little I have lately. And I am trying to be strong and I am feeling like that is being so taxed on me. I don’t want to be strong all the time, and I know that I have to for my little coyote and people around me. But to tell you the truth, I am just tired more then ever in my life. And I feel like what ever is going to happen to me in the end, I have really no control over that. I mean I am fighting here, but I am running out of gas here. Have you ever felt that way, that your out of gas and you can’t keep going. I know when I was in the Army and your put into that situation of fatigue you know that there is nothing left in the tank at that time and somehow you catch your last breath and you keep moving forward. Well I am at that point, I feel like I am almost to that mountain top, and I keep slipping on the rocks and I am all bruised up and that I am in so much pain. But I keep taking these baby steps and I continue to climb up that mountain. I just am writing this post today to show you that I am human and that I carry a lot of pain inside me. That I am real, and that my feelings are as real as they get.
I just needed to get this off my chest today, and now that I did, I better get ready for this day and to take them baby steps and see what miracles lay on this mountain that is ahead of me. But I will write more when I have more energy and I will tell you this in case I don’t write later. That no matter what happen in the end to understand what is really in front of you at this time. Doesn’t matter if your sick or not, doesn’t matter if your not getting along with the people in front of you. The point of all of this, take that time to understanding your body, and the feelings inside your head. Take that time to tell yourself no matter what happen that you always have a clear path ahead of you. That is what I am going to try to find today is that clear path. With this said take care of yourself and the others around you at this time…
Well today and is off and running for me again, the sun is shinning and I am waking up to the the things that are mattering the most to me. And what matters the most at this time in my life is just taking things one step at a time and knowing that no matter what happens in the end the outcomes will be good. And even if they aren’t going to be good outcomes then I have no choice of that either at this time. But I am going to focus on the good things that matter to me. And today I do not have to go in to the clinic and that is really nice pace for me at this time. I needed that break away from the hospitals and the clinics. I feel that I have been living in them WAY to much lately. I mean seeing the sun and the green grass beneath my feet is an awesome feeling. How can people forget the simplest things in there lives? I mean just feeling that grass is amazing to me. I mean when is the last time you did something so simple as laying on the grass and to smell the fresh Earth as you looked at the clouds in the sky? I mean I know that might sound kind of corny here, but to me at this time that is everything to me.
I mean I could go on and on about these amazing things that the good Lord gives to us but then again it’s not for me to talk about that all the time, it’s about you going on there and finding these miracles. As I learned from my daughter the other morning before going to the doctors see was sitting in a chair and she was watching me get ready to go in and she looked at me funny and smiled, and I asked her what she was smiling about, and she looked at me and told me that no matter what happens in the end of things daddy that the world will always be your friend. Where did my little coyote come up with this to tell me that the world will always be my best friend. I got down to her level and told her that no matter what happens to me in the next few weeks to months that I want you to remember that your going to go far in this world with them thoughts in your head, and do NOT let anyone tell you different okay honey. And her reply back to me was that she was not going to let anyone get into her way, and then was about lets go get some ice cream after your done. So fast how the little minds of children can change that fast. I find that amazing, one minute she is schooling me and the next minute lets go get some ice cream.
I am the luckiest man alive to having that little coyote in my life, her spirit is strong. And to me if I died with these issues at hand, I know one thing that she will live on and give many messages to people out there like I have before. But, lets hope for a full recovery and lets hope that I can enjoy more times with my little coyote. Life is going to be the judge in the end about my fate. And I will let life play that out for me, for I have no control over that. But the things I do have control over are that I can lay on some fresh grass and look to the clouds and be thankful that I made it this far in my life. And to me there is no better lessons then that at this time. Be good to yourself and the others around you…
Well another day on this blog, and that means another post of what the heck is going on in my life lately. Well today I went into the clinic to learn about the treatment options that are going to happen to me starting this weekend and next week. The first thing you learn in that your going to get sicker for before better, and you think to yourself for a minute that you come here to get better not sicker. But then again, that is what happens with medicine. And that is a very hard thing to understand when you never been through something like this. I mean who would of thought that again that you have to get sicker before better. But anyways, then your learn on top of it that maybe that your not going to get better for awhile after this as well. Everyone body does something different that the next persons. But sitting there I was listening and on the other hand I was watching the child playing in the hallway out side my room, and I was wondering what was running through this child head as it was playing with a red ball. I mean that child was born into this world as innocent as you possibly could be.
But as I was watching the child, I said a prayer that this child will never go through what I am going through at this time. I didn’t even know this child and I wish and prayed for a blessing for this young kid. But the point of all of that was to run from my issues at hand. I look at that child and I seen life running through it’s veins, and I look at my life and I might see the lights going off soon if this doesn’t work in the end. But no matter what you keep telling yourself that no matter what is how are you going to keep this light shinning in the question. But time will tell that is all I can say about this.
But after the visit I went home and just tried to relax for awhile. As I was relaxing my dog Archie the Newfoundland came and laid on my shoulder. And I think that was a message to tell me that it’s going to be really okay. And Archie is 6 months old and weighs now 80 plus pounds, and Archie is on his way of hitting 200 pounds plus. But I wanted to share this image of Archie to the world, because dogs do know you better than you think in the end. But I will leave this post short for I am needing some rest. But know that tomorrow is another day and be good to yourself and the others around you…