Running out of gas…

Well I work up and had another change to to live to see another day ahead of me. I really didn’t sleep at all last night like maybe 2 or 3 hours at the most. There is so much in on my mind lately and I just really don’t know where to go with all of it. I mean between my health, my daughter and my friends the few that I have there seem to be so many problems. And the funny thing is I can only control what is mine in the end. I had a friend call me last night to check in and it was hard talking to him because it feels like that now that I been having troubles with my sickness that he is there. I mean word got out about pancreatic cancer and I am not worried that word got out there, but I am worried about the friends I do have and that this news has shocked everyone around me, and I was suppose to be these peoples rocks in there life that they could lean on, and know I feel that I am not going to be that person that will be there for them in the end. No matter how hard you fight the fight, you have to keep things real yet that you could die in the end of this process. And for me I haven’t really been thinking about death, and I know that I should in my own way maybe it would make things easier for me. And I have to remember that even though I am staying positive as I can, that I am still human in the end which means I have feelings. And lately I feel that I put all my feelings in a box and I been acting like everything is okay, and it really isn’t. I don’t like to be fake with anyone. But I don’t like when I have a few friends and family all telling me that your going to be okay. Sometimes I am not okay, and what is wrong feeling that?

I just know that I am doing the best that I have with the little I have lately. And I am trying to be strong and I am feeling like that is being so taxed on me. I don’t want to be strong all the time, and I know that I have to for my little coyote and people around me. But to tell you the truth, I am just tired more then ever in my life. And I feel like what ever is going to happen to me in the end, I have really no control over that. I mean I am fighting here, but I am running out of gas here. Have you ever felt that way, that your out of gas and you can’t keep going. I know when I was in the Army and your put into that situation of fatigue you know that there is nothing left in the tank at that time and somehow you catch your last breath and you keep moving forward. Well I am at that point, I feel like I am almost to that mountain top, and I keep slipping on the rocks and I am all bruised up and that I am in so much pain. But I keep taking these baby steps and I continue to climb up that mountain. I just am writing this post today to show you that I am human and that I carry a lot of pain inside me. That I am real, and that my feelings are as real as they get.

I just needed to get this off my chest today, and now that I did, I better get ready for this day and to take them baby steps and see what miracles lay on this mountain that is ahead of me. But I will write more when I have more energy and I will tell you this in case I don’t write later. That no matter what happen in the end to understand what is really in front of you at this time. Doesn’t matter if your sick or not, doesn’t matter if your not getting along with the people in front of you. The point of all of this, take that time to understanding your body, and the feelings inside your head. Take that time to tell yourself no matter what happen that you always have a clear path ahead of you. That is what I am going to try to find today is that clear path. With this said take care of yourself and the others around you at this time…

Author: onewiththespirit

I am a spiritual advisor that is helping people understanding there struggles there life. I am currently struggling with an pancreatic disease so I decided to go and see what the world has to offer to me in these times of my own struggles by taking the time to understand other people struggles. I know there is a message for me in everyone that we meet. So, I am taking this journey to find out what those messages are...

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