My anger of my life got the best of me today as I been finding news about myself and what I am facing. If anyone that knows me closely I do not get angry at all actually. I think today this morning when I woke up and found out more bad news I just snapped on the inside for the first time in many years. I took a box fan and threw it against my door so hard that it left a mark in the door, and then after that I just could not get rid of my anger. I mean I was by myself and I was thinking what the hell am I angry for here? Why did I do such a thing like this? The box fan did not deserve this. I mean it was on the floor pushing air around in the room I was in.
I came here to write about my anger, I came here for people not to fix my anger. I am realizing that my life has been a hard one, and it was not a normal one that is for sure. I never had parents that were truly there for me. My mother was murdered in 2010 over drugs, and my father well, lets say I am talking to him but our relationship is still in that building process of getting to know each other for who we are today not for what we were in the past. That all takes time. Another thing I am saying here is that my anger has been building for quite some time in my head here, and I have no where to channel it lately due to my health issues as well.
I was seeing a therapist and then she had to leave for better things, and this was last year that I was seeing her, and to me that hurt me I felt like there I go again feeling so alone in this world. I mean my anger been more then loosing my therapist as well. I had a few close friends die in the last years as well. Not to happy I did not close those chapters as well. I felt like I should of done something more to fixing them issues, but that is water over the dam here at this time for they are gone. I am sorry to my friends if they are here is spirit I was a bad friend and I wish I could of changed that. I have so much anger.
Why does this anger come out of a person like myself? I really did not like any of this what I did today. I need my strength to helping me get better not worse here. I know that everybody has the right to be angry and I know that everyone needs to vent and get things out. Well like master always taught me it is about cleaning out the closet. And that is what I did today, I cleaned out my closet in the sense of being mad and angry. I can’t remembered the last time I cried so hard in my life, actually I do remember but my tears were like fire they burned as they came down my face. I never felt so alone in my life today with this news.
But I wrote this post to tell people that it is okay to be angry and the most important thing is not to live in your anger for to long. I am going to be working my way out of this anger this afternoon by going to for a walk and playing with my dog. Dogs are the best things in this world, they love you more then they love themselves. And to me going for that walk sounds like a good plan for me.
Talking with God and the spiritual world you never know what they can teach you about your life. But it is time for me to put this post away, go for that walk and come back and write another post about what I learned on that walk with my new puppy. Until then, be good to yourself and then be good to the people around you…