Well, I was sitting here at my office and looking out the window like I normally do, and I was looking at the snow as it was melting off the roofs and the trees. And I just was thinking about life and that there sure is a lot going on with myself and the people around me lately. And I was thinking that there is a lot of pain and suffering going on, and I was pawning my ideas and then I thought about what pain and suffering can really teach you. I mean with out pain you would never understand the good things in your life. Without pain you would have no clue to how things really work for yourself or the people around you. Pain is a blessing, and yet at the same time it can be a curse to the people that want to focus on it all the time and live in it. I mean we are all human, and it is easy to getting yourself stuck in them places. There is nothing fun about pain. But I think that pain teaches us something that no matter what it does pass, and that better is coming. And them are the lessons you want to hang on too when it is all said and done. I mean I know that it does get the best of me, and it does bring me down to levels that I don’t like to be in, but then when you start to climb out of the hole you see that it was really not all to bad.
I would have to say that there is nothing easy about waking up for me without some kind of pain mentally and physically I mean nothing easy. Sometimes I wake and I have the physical pain, and then there are mornings I get up and I have the mental pain. I realize that with my disease that I am going through with my liver and pancreas there has not been a day without pain and suffering. There has not been a day without the physical side going that I am going to have to suck it up and push hard through it. Then the mental pain jumps in and goes how much more can I do this, and God where are you and when are you going to make this go away from me. I mean I do think of these things and there is nothing easy to think about any of this to be completely honest with you. But there is that part that comes into my mind that goes this is going to be okay, and that makes no sense when your not feeling well, but it creeps in and goes lets push through this stuff. And I can’t thank my brain for telling me to push like it does.
Here is another thing is that when your going through all of this, it really feels like your on your own, and even though you have friends and family it just feels like no one can understand what your going through, but then you wake up and realize that there are tons of people dealing with what your going and you pick your big boy pants up and keeping pushing harder then you did before. I know one thing for sure is that we are all going to die at some point. And when you think about that you start to change the things you have control over. I mean I never would think at my age that I am at that I would be talking about death, but I bring it up because like I said to an friend here a few days ago, the better you understand death the better your life becomes at that very moment. You realize what the important things are and you make them adjustments.
I mean I never thought that it would take a disease like this for me to realize all of this stuff. I mean I was in the Army many years ago and I never thought about death like I do now. It funny how a life change like mine makes you think about these things. I mean growing up as a boy at a young age I was running in the fields and never thinking anything like death was going to happen, I was young and running as fast as I could and life was not so bad. But when you get older things start to change in your life and you sit like I am here and look out the window and you start to reflect on the things that you have full control over, and to me is that I know that I have no control over death, and I am good about that actually, because that means I am living my life with the best things I have at this time. And them things are my family and my closest friends.
In closing this post, I never thought that I would be back on this blog. I mean I find it helpful to writing my thoughts down, and even though they might not make sense, I really guess I don’t care, because at least one thing I know is that I am living my days to the fullest, and I really don’t care about the negative things out there that want to hurt me. I will continue to focus on the things I do have control over and that is fighting this disease off, and hope for a better recovery soon with this pancreatic disease. But with this said take care of yourself and then take care of the people around you…