Finding that time…

Well today I am sitting here at my desk looking out the window and asking myself where do I go next in my journey with my life. As you been reading my blog and posts you can sense that I am dealing with a lot of issues and one of the major issues is been my health. And for me to say this that I am scared, well I would like to say that I am not, but I can lie about my feelings for what I am feeling lately. I know there is a wave of emotions going through me at this time, and I know that being strong is the only option I have at this time, but I will tell you that it is hard being strong all the time here. I want to feel what I am feeling, but if I do that then I will fall more into a depression with my health and the state of what I am really dealing with. My sugar levels are low which are causing me to feel so lightheaded and then there is the nausea part of this problem as well. Feeling like your going to puke all the time does not help either and then there is the factor of what to eat and not to eat. My body is starving all the time due to me either puking it up or it comes out the other way with out being gross here. So, with these problems I know that it is messing with my mind set as well. I am sure that my brain is feeling like it needs energy to keep making me think straight here. All I can do is keep putting my faith into the system and hope for that miracle that my pancreas and liver will recover.

Then there is the part of being scared, why should I be scared, I mean this is no big deal right? I mean millions of people are going through what I am going through and if not worse here right? I mean why should I be any different then anyone else that is going through this. Then I find out that everyone that has been dealing with this is handling this in so many different ways then I can describe to you. No one is the same at all. Everybody handles things differently then I would ever think. So, I have to keep telling myself that I need to just take things slow and figure it out. And that is what I am going to be doing is sitting tonight looking out my window at the stars and moon and asking for the spirits to help me with this feeling of being down. I do not like this feeling and I don’t want to seem like that I am not strong when I am trying to be as strong as I can.

I never had that chance when I was growing up to be a kid, I had to take on responsibility at the age of 7 due to my mother being out of control with her life in the sense of the drugs and drinking problems she had. I remember many times waking her up so that she could get to work so that we did not have to get kicked out of the apartment that we were living in due to my mother not making the rent checks. So, that is one of many thousands of stories I have about not having the time to take things easy at all in my life. When there is a time for me to sit and tell myself that it is really going to be okay? I mean I don’t have my own life here, I have my seven year old daughters life in my hands too. And that is a responsibility that I would never want taken away from me. I am glad that she is in my life, at the moment I am afraid that she will be alone in this life if my health does not start to change for the better here. I hide a lot to what I feel these days for I don’t want people to worry about me.

I just have to figure out what the best thing is for me at this time of my life and try to do something with it. I think that is why I say that nothing is easy in life, and that is why I tell the people who read this blog this for a reason, that I do not want you to live in the same hell that I am currently living in. I mean it is hard for me to wake up, and it is hard for me to move most of my days, and I am not giving up on myself, I am trying to figure out where is the break in my life. I want that break so that I can readjust myself better so that I can deal with things easier. I mean there is no reason for me to think less like this when the world is a great place to live in when your head is straight enough to enjoy it.

In closing this post, I will remain strong as I can for I do not want to come off my horse and settle for less. I need to be strong for my daughter and the people around me. With that said please take care of yourself and the people around you…

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