Afternoon clouds.

I am back from the doctors office again, and they took a chest x-ray to see what was going on with my lungs and liver area, and nothing really showed up on the x-ray. Tomorrow I gear back up for more blood work again to see if anything of my levels went up more than they did before like the other day. I hope that they can find answers soon to these questions about my liver. I am more tired today then I was in the days before, I think it is because I am not sleeping and eating right at all. I am trying to keep my faith alive in these times of troubles.

I just have a hard time wondering where God is in these times of trouble. I mean I always heard it was good to question God, but don’t ever question your purpose in what he is doing for you. I know that feeling this way has me all over the board with questions and to how I should feel about this. I mean it doesn’t help me when I am all alone in this process. All my friends the few that I have are busy with there lives and it’s just hard to talk to them. I mean when it would come to moving or helping build something it was never a big deal. But then you get sick, then they are no were to found.

And I think a lot of the reasons are it hard on them as well. I mean my friend of 26 years is having a hard time because it makes you think to yourself as well. That first off that your not going to live forever as well. I mean these things come up when you hear that someone is sick in your family, or even your friends for that matter. But, I am learning that as we get older it’s hard to be there for the people that you love. I think when you start to think outside the box like I am here in this post, you start to think what is really important to you.

That is I think why your friends or family have a hard time being there for you in the times like these. I mean we try not to think about death, but we are born into death, and which means we have no choice other than to deal with it. And some of us get a long life, and then some of us get a shorter one due to God’s reasonings and I can’t and will not question God and them reasons. But, I have learned that I have to keep moving forward in this fight, and it’s been a hell of a fight lately. I want to share good news here on my post. I mean I don’t really know anyone that is reading this other than a few people here.

But again, I didn’t do this so that I could have a million followers, I did this for the reasons of letting my brain come apart in these words that I really feel because I have no one to talk to about them at this time. And I am not blaming anyone out there for this, it just how the cards fell for me.

But in the end, I will keep moving the best ways I can. And I will find a solution to this major problem. I know there is a lot of 2017 yet to see, this is the early stages of this year. I just want to make a goal that I see my 42nd birthday in December. With this said I have to make goals and dreams even if it is the smallest ones at this time. But until then, thank you again for all that have been keeping up and reading this, and make sure to love yourself and once you found that, then go out there and love one another…

Watching the snow come down…

Well today was another day with a few answer to my health issues that are going on. I am finding out with these issues how bad the health care system really is. I mean I been trying to tell the doctor my issues and it’s like they are not understanding my conditions here at all. Then on top of that to give me medicine that will make my liver hurt more isn’t what I was looking for today. I mean make sure you read up on what the doctor tells you to take before taken it. I learned that the side effects are the side effects that I still have going on now and why would I want to make things more worse in the sense of what I am feeling at this time.

I know that when you have more than one doctor looking at your case it becomes difficult to understand the key issues of what going on completely. I mean I have told them everything the best way I can about my issues and it just seems like I am talking to the wall lately, and then to give me medicine that will help, and then find out that it won’t just cause more set backs for me. And this is really hard to take at times because I just want to be over this feeling of not having hope here when it comes to my liver and it’s issues.

I will keep praying for a better day ahead of me. When all else falls in your life at least you can count on God to get you through the rest of the way. This is where you really test your faith in your life and have to put your trust into him. I know that we are not here to live forever and we all know that we have a curtain amount of time that we are playing with. And, I hope to get over this soon. I am afraid and scared to be honest with you. I feel like I never been down this road before, and that there is no one feeling what I am going through at this time. But then you find out that the world is full of people like myself struggling with issues. Again, this isn’t about a pity party here, this is about how to live through these tough times in your life.

My energy levels are getting weaker as the days move ahead, as I sit here watching the snow fall this evening, I try to take in the beauty of what the snow is doing. The snow is covering up all the dead things that have died this fall. And when you see the things all cover up it gives you hope in the sense that when spring arrives a new beginning will happen for the plants and the trees again. I look forward to that as well, I want a new beginning with my health too. And again, this is where I have to keep moving forward no matter what. My faith is being tested, and I have to be alright with this. I have no choice. But until then learn to keep loving yourself, so that you can go out and love one another…

Finding myself in this darkness…

Well I found out today that my liver is not letting handle sugar in my body for some strange reason. I don’t know what this means but it isn’t good. You need sugar to live and for some reason the liver is saying the sugar that is coming into the body isn’t good, so it sends a message to my brain telling it not to process it. So, we as in the doctors and I are wonder what is doing what here. Is the brain sending the messages about the sugar or is the liver sending it to the brain that it can’t handle it. So very confusing as I sit here and tell myself this.

I am not going to give up the fight, it just a new liver might not be the answer at this time either because if it is a brain process a new liver will act like it’s the old one anyways. There is nothing easy about this battle at all here. I will continue to keep having hope in what they want to do for me at this time. It’s hard at times to put your faith into doctors and the system for that matter. But it is the only choice I have left to be honest with you.

So, that is my update for today. I know that the answers are not clear at times, but then again when are they ever clear? I mean going into the darkness is sometimes a good thing, it teaches you to fight and look for a exit back into the light. Without being in the dark sometimes I think we don’t realize how good things really are until your faced with something that can change your life. So, with this said be thankful for what’s ahead of you and know that you have to continue to love yourself before you can go out and love others.

 

Looking at the rain…

Well, I am home resting today, and I told myself what a ride it has been with my health and all the ups and down lately with these liver issues. To tell you the truth I am not a drinker or smoker, and to have this many problem problems is hard to believe at my young age of 41. But I am learning that there are big lessons with these problems. And these lessons are making me stronger a long the way to knowing that I will pull through this, it’s just a matter of time when that will happen for me. I can’t let my life stop because of these pains that I am feeling inside. I mean I want to start writing about the things that are changing people’s lives out there like I was doing before I was getting sick here with this liver and it’s issues.

Today it is raining outside here looking out my window, and I am trying to see that God is at work washing away the things that needed to be cleaned at this time. I am in that process as well washing this pain away that I feel lately with my health. I want to just go out there and feel that cold rain on my skin, but I am too cold for that lately. And I have to keep my body warm due to my conditions at this time. But looking at the rain and seeing how it is falling something reminds me of my life and all my falls that I have made it in it.

There is nothing wrong with crying here, and I have done that in the last few weeks about everything that has happened in my life. And they say crying is good for the soul, and I starting to realize that it is really okay to cry. Sometimes looking out the window I think that those raindrops are God’s tears, I think he sees a lot of pain of what we did as human everyday. And I wouldn’t want to be God, for his pains are big as we keep suffering down here on this Earth.

In the end, I am not going to give up, I am going to continue to fight the fight, and I am going to make a difference everyday even if it is a real small difference the point being is that life doesn’t slow down even when your sick. It keeps moving no matter what, and maybe that is my lesson today, we keep moving on. That is what is about in the end. The pains will be there, but you only have one chance at this and why sit there and let life beat you down. So, with this said learn to love yourself and go out there and love one another…

Still alive…

Today has been really rough for me. My body pain levels are at an all time high here. I might be going back into the doctors office this evening if the pain doesn’t go away like it should be. I know that my liver is suffering, just don’t know how much it’s really suffering to be honest with you. I was never a drinker or smoker in my life, and to have something like this going on is really big for me in the sense that I don’t want to die. I come to write in these posts to give you and update from time to time. I hope that I will continue to keep writing in these posts. If you don’t see any in a few days then you know something has gone wrong with my health.

In the end I wanted to thank everyone for there support in this rough journey with me. I hope and pray that some cure is coming for me down the road. I have to stay strong and I am working on this during this difficult time of my life. Well, I will post more later in the day hopefully unless something changes for the worse.

But until next time love yourself, and go out and love one another as well…

Another day winding down

Well, I am holding this evening and I can’t thank the few people that actually reach out to me and you all know who you are that did, and with that said thank you.

As this day is coming to a close, I have to say it turned out better than I thought. I learned a lot about myself today, and what I learned the most is that it is okay to let go of things that were hurting me before. I tend to hang on to things way to long. I mean when something happens I have to break it down, and then break it down again and again like maybe 10,000 times or more, and then after that another 10,000. And then finally I let it go once and for all. I don’t know how many people do this, but I need to stop myself from doing this because it really slows your life down.

But getting back to things, I told myself that I would be okay, and no matter what happens I will work through these pains or struggles. I mean I have no choice but to do this. And knowing this makes it feel a little better even if it’s for a second at a time here.

But closing out this post, I can thank the Lord above for giving me another day at life. And I can thank him for the few friends that I do have, and also when things take a turn for the worse like they did today that I didn’t let me beat myself down like it normally would have. So with this, I have a lot to be thankful for. And I hope that anyone that is reading this post is thankful for what they have in front of them too. Life is too short for games, in the end it is keeping as real as you can with yourself and others. No better way to live by these simple lessons. Until next time love yourself, and learn to live one another…

Well I am recovering…

I just got home to sit in front of my computer and to tell the world today that my morning surgery is over, and I am waiting for the results that hopefully will change my mind forever in the sense of moving forward. Am I scared, to tell you the truth I am scared as anyone would be if they were in my spot. I have to remain calm and hope for a great result, and even not a great result then I will worry about that a future time.

I will be in touch later with more posts, I need to go recover and take a afternoon nap. But thank you to all out there that have helped me in this ¬†journey so far, your efforts will not be forgotten…