Something to think about…

Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he’d rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It is easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be, or so it feels, welcomed with open arms. But go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find?

A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

Of coarse it’s easy enough to say that God seems absent at our greatest need because He is absent, non-existent. But then why does He seem so present when, to put it quite frankly, we don’t ask for him?

These are some of thoughts I feel with my last post about struggles. I don’t want to question God’s purpose but to put it like I said before I just want to find that peace that has been a long waiting my soul.

 

Struggles in life…

I came back to my blog because my heart is very heavy at this moment with a lot of things on my mind. I will first talk about being lonely and how sometimes I struggle with this. I know that it is good to be alone it cleans out the soul and makes room for better things to come down the road. I feel like I want to find that peace that I am looking for and I just don’t know where to turn at this time to finding that peace I want to have in my heart.

I know that struggles are built into our lives. It is a part of everyone life. No matter where your life takes you there will always be some sort of struggles in it. I think that I feel so lonely because I miss the love of my life at this moment. I can’t erase her in my head and I feel that she wouldn’t want me to anyways. I used to always text her or call to see what was going on through the days, and now there is that void in it now. I keep looking at my phone thinking she might call or sent a text to me telling me how much she misses me, or a text to tell me to hang in there with your health scare, I am with you all the way through this with you. And I have the struggles of knowing that isn’t going to happen. This is all a bad dream for me.

Did I deserve any of this I ask myself this evening? I know that there is some thing you have control over and some things you don’t have the control over either. I know my life will get better if I can only get my head wrapped around these things. But for some reason I don’t want to get my head wrapped around them. I need to struggle in this for some strange reason here. I don’t like sitting at my desk and seeing my heart race and my mouth so dry that it hurts to take a drink of water. My hands are shaking, and my body is sweating hard.

The worse part is my brain is swelling and the doctors don’t know why that is either. It’s very hard for me to come to this computer knowing that the end might be coming around the corner this week if things aren’t going to be changing. And this isn’t what I wanted to be writing about tonight, I wanted to write about good things in this life. I know these struggles can get the best of anyone at anytime. But my struggles are very difficult in the sense to know that I have to keep moving forward in this alone. I know that taking the easy road is not the answers I need at this time. I have to live here, but living becomes very hard task when your life has these struggles that want to hurt you or not make you happy anymore.

I am and never was about taken the easy road here, I wanted my life to be happy the best way I could get myself down that road. At this time I have to bare with what I have in my life, and that is a major health issue, and the knowing of what I lost and I can’t get back. I never thought I would be at this part of my journey at 41. Most people have there life going the way they should be going. I know I can’t compare my life with others, but I need to figure out a game plan soon.

In closing this very sad post, I hope that if anyone is going through what I am going through knows that your not alone in your struggles. I am right beside you in this. Nothing easy about struggling, and the worse part is that you don’t want to struggle alone in your suffering. I pray for the miracles around me to find what will get me better first off, and secondly I have to keep believing in God and that he will send the spirits needed to move me forward in a better direction. This is all the hope that I could ever ask for. Thank you to all that have read this blog and these posts. I just hope that there is even something you can take out of any of these posts and apply them somehow to your life. May God be with us all in our times of pains and struggles.

Well the sun in still shinning.

Today started off hard for me. Just getting out of bed was a chore for me. I mean when you don’t sleep and eat right when your not feeling good things never are quite the same. I never felt so depressed as I looked out the window at the sun. But something has been plaguing for some quite time here, and that is waking up alone with yourself and your thoughts. I mean these are two different battles that I face. Sometimes I don’t know which one I should face first to be honest with you. I know that it is okay to be alone. And then the other hand it would be nice to wake up to that person that loved me for who I was.

Loosing people in your life, is a part of life. And sometimes that is hard to wrap your feelings around to be honest with you. One minute you can share your dreams with the one that you loved, and the next minute you don’t have that anymore. That is a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I know I need to survive and be the person that I was born to be, and then at the same time all you want to do is just cry to yourself.

Lately, I have so much that I feel about this, and I have no one to share my feelings with. So, that is why I am writing this as well today. I will spill my guts out to the world and hope for some great miracle to happen for me. I am not all about feeling bad for myself, I just want to get up and have the hope that I used to have in my life. And right now I am lacking that hope. And that is difficult for me, because I am normally I’m not like this. I am usually happy and I am willing to wear my heart on my sleeves for people.

So, as I look at the sun today, I am sure thinking I can learn a lot by watching what it brings here to this world. I mean I am sure the sun doesn’t want to do things a lot of days either that we don’t know about, but no matter what it picks itself up in it times of struggles and keep bringing them rays of hope down for us. You can learn a lot about nature and God and it’s purposes if you just look around you and listen. That is my point with this post today. If the sun has to always give it’s best for us, then I need to be the best for myself so that others can feel my light in there times of darkness as well.

Looking at the stars…

Well the sun has set for another day, and when I was walking from my house to walking over to the office which by the way is like maybe 150 feet from the house, I look up and noticed the stars tonight. I took a bit and look up and realized the beauty of this world and what it has to offer. I mean we have so many things that can take your breath away, and looking at the stars always does to me. And I mean I have looked at them many times before in my life. But for some reason tonight was different then other nights due to the fact of where my life is going lately with all that I am battling mentally and physically.

This evening I went to Amherst and had dinner with my family and my grandfather that is 91 years old. I was just looking at him and was thinking to myself what an amazing life he really had. I mean born in 1925, and from that time he had an experience that many wished that could of had. He was in World War II, to getting married to the love of his life, to raising 4 beautiful daughters. And then later in life to loosing the love of his life. And now he is all alone in his house in Amherst. I know that he is a man of faith. I know that he believes in God, and he not ready to throw the towel in as of it. He is a fighter when it comes to his life.

Just watching him this evening just gave me a lot of hope. I mean he has battled a lot in his life and he is still battling just to survive. Surviving without his wife is a big thing for him for he doesn’t speak of it. But I know that he misses her and loves her so much yet even without her being in his presence. Here is another thing about him, he has a heart that is failing him as well. He had an major heart surgery at the age of 88 which is unheard of for the age that he was at. It was an experimental surgery. His odds were not good going into that surgery, but he is still here with us at 91.

But my point is with my grandfather is that he has beat the odds in everything that he has done. He is not a quitter by no means. He has lost the love of his life and he continues to love his life even though it isn’t the same by a long shot. Most people at his age would of gave up, a lot of people would of not want that live that long period due to what ever was going on in there life at that time.

I brought my grandfather into this tonight because he really was a star to me in the sense of what he has done in his life. And his light shine bright with this family. And looking up at the sky tonight made me think of him in the sense of that light that he shines down to all that he has touched in this world. So, this is I want to put out in the world for people to read because we all have something to give in this life. And if we are all stars like my grandfather was, then our light is important as his was in the sense that we need to shine for others in there time of darkness. If we can bring the light out of everyone that is looking for it, then this world would be a greater place to live.

So shine on stars and know that I know that the next time I look up that there will be extra lights beaming down on me for that the people that read this blog will know that they need to go out there and help someone so that they can shine even in a time of darkness. That’s what this is all about helping others in this time of dark times of there life.

 

Mid morning thoughts

Well, here I am off to another day and I am first thankful that I had that chance to wake up again. I know that sound crazy, but to me it really not. Even though my life is in a rough patch I still have to be thankful for what I have in front me. I used to think that I would live forever, and now with my current health issues, I don’t think that for a second anymore. I remember growing up and thinking the world is going to give me everything I need. And the older I got life started changing and started to take things away from me. Things like people and friends that you thought were going to last forever. Even family goes on that list as well.

I can blame life on these things that happen. I can only prepare myself to know that the sooner that I come to realizing that I am going to die, the better I can start to live. There is nothing more harder in this life to realizing that your aren’t going to be here forever. But if you look at it from that your dying then you can live a better life knowing that you can do the things in front of you better.

Where do I find my strength in a time of darkness in my life is that hard question I have to ask myself from time to time. I find my strength in God first off, I realize that he has the plans for all of us here. But when it comes to my plans, I have to start to think different. I used to think that I wanted to know what God had for me in this life. And one day this past week I came to an conclusion that all God wants from me is to live. And I need to stop having the pity parties in my head that maybe no one cares, when there are tons of people in this world that have the same things I have going on.

I was never much into pity parties, but I know we all have gone through them at some points in your life. My pity parties in my head are the ones going that this isn’t fair and why do I have to be going through what I am going through at this time. Why can’t you or somebody get these issues? And I had to stop myself, because of my gift as a spiritual advisor. I wasn’t here to hurt people because of my pains, but I am here to teach people something about my pains that could save a life out there.

I am working on these things more and more everyday. Coming to this blog and sharing my feelings to the world has taught me a lot in the last few days being here. It has taught me that I am not alone in this world. And that it’s okay to feel your feelings. And it doesn’t matter what people think about you, it all matters on your feelings and how you want to treat the world.

So, with this said this mid morning, I am going to make this day full of blessings. Even if it’s just one blessing, I will accomplish more than sitting around and telling myself that I can’t do anything, when the sun is shinning here out my window and telling me yes, you can make the difference out there. So, I will walk away from this blog for a short while and go for that walk, or that drive and feel that free spirit that I am on the inside of who I am really am…

Letting you know about the spirit…

Well, here I am posting in the evening hours of the night looking out at the full moon listening to music that keeps the soul at peace. I am trying to figure out the directions of my life since I found out about my health issues that started 4 1/2 months ago. I am on this rough road lately with not many clear answers. I would like to say for starters that no matter what happens to me, I will fight this off the best way I can. With this said I need to open the doors up to you about spirit, that is really why I started this blog in the first place.

I know I have been all over the map so far with my posts, and for this I am sorry. But then again I find it fun because you never know what you will see here with me as I’m on this journey.

So the spirit thing, what does this mean to you when I say that word? To me spirit is what everyone has with them. I believe in God, and that he has angels that are around us. But to tell you the truth I am no bible beater by no means. My faith has been built on spirit and what happened to me when I was first approached by it at the age of 7, and then many years later at the age of 35. My life wasn’t a great one growing up, I kind of hit on this before in earlier posts. But growing up with abuse and a mother and a step-father that were drunks wasn’t something I deserve. I know one thing is that you can’t pick your parents at birth. But saying that God gave me a set of parents that were good people but made some bad choices in there lives. I am not here to judge my parents, I am here to tell you that I over come what most people would of never done coming from where I came from.

I came from a step-father that was a mean person period. He would hit me all the time to abusing me in ways well, we will leave them details out for the moment. But my mother and step-father married shortly after my real father got the divorce done in 1976. Later posts I will share that story about my parents divorce and how and why my real father did what he had to do. I mean in a short way of telling it, my father had to survive that’s it plan and simple. But getting back to my life at the early age of 7. I went to bed one evening after my step-father got done abusing me. I went to sleep, and a few hours later, I was woken up by a bright light and this shadow came to my bedside. Now remember I am 7 years old and this shadow look as big as a house that big, it was really maybe 7 feet tall at the most.

But when it came to my bedside that evening the shadow or angel I found out later told me that I have a gift, and that gift was to be used wisely. It will change the way people will feel about themselves and others. Now again at 7, I had no idea what this all meant for me until I came back to it when I was 35 years old.

As, the years went on my life took turns for the worse. I never got help for my issues until I was 35 and went into a treatment home for the attempt of suicide when I decided to take a hang gun and shoot myself in the head. The problem with that is that the weapon didn’t go off. And for these reasons I am sharing with you in this, I knew some spirit was watching over me. But getting back to the treatment center I was there for over 35 days and learned a lot about myself, the first thing I learned that non of what happened to me was my fault. It was the lack of learning that my parents did the best they did for what little they had at the time. Before I went into treatment, I blamed my father a lot for what happened to me and my life.

My mother was killed in 2010. The killer is still out there at this time. I feel that what ever is going to happen to my mothers killer that God will judge this person in the end. But getting back bouncing all over the place in this post. My life was not much to talk about. I would lie and hurt people for the sake that I wanted them to feel my pains. I never had relationships that latest because of the lack of treatment that could of saved them. I have only been in four major relationships in my 41 years. But the point is I was a train wreck.

But the winter of 2011 and early part of 2012 saved and changed my life forever. That treatment center was the wake up I needed in my life. And that is when the power of spirit awoke in my body. I left the treatment center to move back in with my father. And here is a short story, my father and I did not get along for years at a time after I moved out of his house. So coming back to my fathers place was a huge deal that he was taken a risk that I was going to change into something better than I was before.

Well, I never looked back after the treatment and moving home. I have been on the road of recovery and still see therapist once a week to move me forward in different ways so that I never have to go backwards. But during this last 5 years spirit entered my life. And in a huge way. That gift that angel gave me was a gift that I never seen coming. And what it was is a way of communicated with the people that had past in this lifetime. People would call me a medium, and I just call myself a spiritual advisor. I don’t go make any money in what I do, I have no book deals, I am just me in this journey with spirit.

I help people find closure with there loved ones that had past. I hear voices that I can’t begin to describe here in this post. I know some people are thinking ya right you really can hear the dead? And to tell you the truth yes I can hear them and the best part I will tell you is that they are not dead, they are alive and well to be honest with you. There is no better gift to know that when you die, that your not really dead that long. You go to heaven and ¬†you come back to close things out in your life with your family or friends or even someone that you really cared about that meant the world to you.

I know what I am saying is true, and I don’t care what people think about this. I have a relationship with the spirits that have lived a life here on earth. And it really is an honor to do what I do. I do not do this full time, I run a small business out of my house and want to make my money there. I do not want to disrespect the spirits and making money on their behalf, because if loved ones are trying to find closure why would I ever charge them for my services. That is not what God wants me to do.

I know that people believe in many things, I am not here to tell you to believe in God if you don’t believe in him, I am telling you that what ever you believe just know that your truly not alone in any of your thoughts and dreams. There is that loved one, or your friend or even your special pet you loved growing up next you following you in what ever adventures you are taken in your current life.

I will be breaking this all down even more in the coming posts. I will tell you what I know from what I hear and what heaven is like for many people have come down to tell me in there words what it’s like, and let me tell you not one story is ever the same. So fasten your seat-belts and enjoy this blog and what it has to offer to you. For I know in my heart what I am going to share with you is the best of my knowledge on how this works from my end of things. I might not be right in a lot of things, but this is what the spirit has told me to share with you here. Thank you and enjoy my life through the spirit…

Reflecting

I am going to tell you more about myself, I find this a helpful tool this blog, and I need to let these feelings out so that I can heal. I used the word reflecting for a reason, and that reason is because sitting here at my desk makes me think about things that has happened to me in my life. The news of my health today was a little set back for me in the sense of not knowing where my health is going to take me in the weeks or months ahead here. So, I thought that I would sit and reflect on my life the best way I can tell you.

When I was growing up in Racine and living with my mother at the time, I can remember a few good things about her, and one of the things I remember was that we would go downtown to the lighthouse on Lake Michigan and sit there on the bench and look at the water together. I always asked my mother why we came down to the lakeshore and always had to sit and look at the lighthouse and the water. Now bare with me on this, my mother only came down after she was sober enough to drive the car. But this time coming down to the lake was different for me. It was different in the sense of that she was talking normal to me. My mother when she was on drugs or drinking wouldn’t even know I was in the room with her, because she was high on drugs, or to drunk to even speak to me.

But sitting on the bench with her that afternoon I remember one thing my mother taught me as a young child, and that one thing was the word reflect. I asked my mother what that meant to reflect on something. Now I was maybe 9 or 10 at the oldest at this time. But my mother told me that you sometimes have to get away from the evilness of what the world is doing to you. And that you need to reflect on the good things that you have in front of you. I never could ever figure out my mother and her habits and her ways of who she was because there was never enough time to be with her due to working and doing drugs and drinking.

But if I learned one thing that day was that my mother was a real person underneath that darkness that she carried around her all the time. She taught me to reflect from time to time and appreciate the good things that are in front of you. So, I started doing that from time to time in my life experiences. I never thought that it was a good thing to reflect, until I was in a dark spot in my life. But where I am going with this is that I need to stop and listen to the spirit around me. And later I will explain in long detail about what the spirit is and what it has done for me as a human being.

In closing this, I never thought that I was going to be sick with something at this time I have no control over, and I thought I would take the time to talk about reflecting because I need to realize that my life has been blessed beyond measure, and it’s time to share these stories on this blog and to the people around me. For I am not guarantee another sunrise. So, with this said reflect on things that matter the most in your life, even though a lot of us have lived a lot of dark areas in our lives, let your reflections send a light to that darkness and tell you that your better than you ever had been before.