Cleaning the closet…

Well another day in the books and if anything I learned today was that I stopped at the cemetery to pay a visit to a good friend of mine, a friend that I never thought that I would be taking the time to see, and she knows that I have never forgotten about who she was as a person to me. I stopped because I wanted to clean my closet to her about what has been going on with my life and I wanted to tell her how sorry I am for the way I been as a friend and other issues as well. I must of stayed there for over an half and hour and just talked about the things that matter the most to me as a person. And the things that matter the most to me was my daughter and how I am going to try to raise her the best way I know how, but at the same time I felt like she was there next to me holding my hand and telling me that it was going to be okay.

If I learned anything at the cemetery today it was about finding peace and being honest with yourself in knowing that the better days are coming. And even though I am fighting this sickness off, I am learning that pain is something that we can not avoid no matter what happens in this life.

I mean I know that I can not change the past, for that is why they call it the past. But I have to focus on things now that are in front of me. And the reason I say this is because I have no choice in the matter. I know I sound like a broken record here and I know that my life has to get better, and it has. I am slowly coming out of this darkness. I mean I wish it was faster but then again I have no control over that as well. I am going to tell you that I am going to beat this disease off, and I am going to get my life back. And this week is the week that it will be happening for me. I am in control over my life, and I need to push things harder in the sense of who I am. I mean my daughter and my family need me, and so do the few friends that I have left. But cleaning out the closet today at the cemetery was just that start that I needed. And I know one thing is that she would of wanted me to be happy in the end for doing that. So in closing, I am moving forward and I am going to start closing some doors from this point forward.  And with that said, you take care of yourself and take care of the people around you.

The heart in people that you never met before in your life…

Well today I had my heart test for seeing exactly what was going to be the issues with the heart. I got there at 10 this morning and I told myself that it was going to be alright no matter what was going to get thrown at me. I got there and I had a serious of test in the morning and let me tell you if you have this done it takes like over 5 hours to getting the whole process over with. But I will start off that they put an IV in your arm and then they put some radiation in your body through the IV so that they can see your heart glowing for the serious of tests that they have to run on you. So what they do is put the radiation in you first and tell you to go back to the waiting room and you sit there for like a half hour then they come to get you and put you into the CT SCAN machine and take a series of imaging of your heart. So this goes on like this for over 5 hours you sit and wait for a half hour then go back in and get scanned. So now that you get that part of my story I will continue with the rest of it.

As I was sitting in the waiting room area, there were a few people looking at me like I was way to young for to be going through all these types of tests. There was an older man like in his middle 80’s sitting across from me with his daughter. And it made me think about my daughter and that she might be doing this to me down the road when I am in my 80’s. But you know me I had to ask the question to the older gentlemen about what he was doing in here. And he looked at me and said that he is doing this because his daughter is forcing him to take a series of tests like myself. And I found that quite striking actually because I could see my daughter really doing this for me when I would get to that age myself. But the point of the story is that he is dying of a bad heart and they aren’t going to open him up anymore but his daughter wanted to make sure that they were doing everything possible for him. And the few minutes with him I realize that he was a great man. He was talking to me about having a good life and having a good heart in the sense of taking care of my family.

He was telling me if you have a good heart that your life gets better when you think clearer and don’t let the bad stuff into your heart. He also told me that you have one chance at this life and to make the best of it and remember that. And that was the last time I ever seen this man, and I wonder if he made it through his tests at the end of the day. But talking to him made me realize that I have a heart and a heart made of gold. I am a giver and I am a person that cares a lot about people and what they bring to the table. But I will find out my results in the morning to what happened with my tests that I had done today.

In closing I know that this man was a simple man and he had a simple plan and that plan is to listen to your heart for it never steers your wrong in your life, and that is what I am going to be doing more in the days to come. But until then take care of yourself and the others around you as well…

Night storms…

Well I am writing twice in one day and I would have to tell you this is strange because it really nice to be back on here actually clearing my mind. With that said, lets see where I will go with this post. Well first off the summers storms are returning tonight and they are going to pack a punch as well. But the best part of a storm is that it’s natures way of cleansing the Earth as we speak. Well, this storm is reminding myself that I am cleaning as well. I have a lot of cleaning to do in my closet and I am working on just learning to live again in the sense that I am going to get over this hump in my life. There has been no one that has told me since I was born that life was going to be easy, and they are all right them people that have said that to me in my past. With that said my health again has been a pressing thing for me, but I have learned in almost a year that you never give up, no matter what you keep fighting. And that is what I been doing. For some reason there were times I wanted to give up and trust me with the pains I was feeling you would of wanted to give up as well. But the point is that I got through them storms, and I have to thank God for that first off, and secondly the people that have been supporting me with my life as well. I am far from being in the clear, but by the end of the year I feel that some of these major storms are going to pass. I know that my life will not be the same after having four surgeries this year. But I will adjust the way that I know how too, and I will tell you it will be good for me. I promise you on that.

My daughter is approaching seven in September, and I have to be there for my little coyote. I know that I haven’t been the greatest of fathers to her at this time. But I know that I have time to change this I believe that.  It is never to late to correct and move things forward in my life. And again I have no choice in this, for my daughter needs me. And I need her to keep giving me those lessons as well. My love for her has been hard lately because I didn’t want to show that weakness as a father, but on the other hand it has shown her a lesson that even when her father is down that I am not out by a long shot. I know that her spirit is strong and in the end of things that she will always be a big part of my life no matter where this life takes me in the end.

In closing this post for the evening as I watch the storms approaching from the Northwest that I am telling myself that I will not give up that I will keep the fight going as long as I can. And I know one thing this fall I will be getting better and I will be stronger than ever, I believe in this. And tiger if your out there just know that your going to see a side of this crane that you never seen before. I will be flying higher than ever before. Take care of yourself and the people around you…

Been awhile…

Wow! This is what this looks like again…

I mean it has been over a month since I have been on this, and to tell you the truth I only had 7 views in that months of July and actually I am okay with it to be honest with you. I mean I write on here for myself more than anything else. But to tell you the truth about this it’s really weird being back on this blog in the sense of wondering what people are thinking in the sense of how I am doing. I will tell you that I am struggling to feeling better and my struggles are far from over as well. But I am not here to talk about my struggles, and I mean that I am here to tell you that life is still pretty damn good from my point of view lately. I mean being sick is a bad thing dealing with a pancreatic issues, and now I am dealing with a heart on top of my pancreatic issues as well. But to be truthful I am okay with this, and again no matter what happens in the end I will win.

But the last month being away from this blog has been quite a big thing for me. I know that I like to get my thoughts on a sheet a paper from time to time, but then again being not so good as in the pains I have been going through has been a bigger thing then writing at this time.

I wanted to share one last thought here with you today and that thought was that make sure when your battling thing in your life that you have a fall back plan for sure. And that fall back plan is having good friends near by. And of coarse your family is just as important as well. But the point I am making is that when you think your out and done your really not in the end of things here. I had help from a tiger and a panther this month pushing me to new limits about getting better. So with that thank you both and you know who you are because you are always checking in with me. But thank you for the words that sometimes are simple but at the same time they are as real as they are going to get when your not feeling that well. So again thank you both, and just know that having family and friends in the end is the most important thing to remember.

I will close this short post by saying hang in there everyone and remember again to take care of yourself and the others around at this time. And I will be back to write more really soon here. I won’t be a stranger to my feelings or this blog no more. Take care and many blessings…

Suffering and pain can you learn from it?

Well I am back for another message here to letting you know what is going on with me. I am in the process of having two more surgeries coming up here in the coming days. But over all my mental health is being affected with all of this stuff, there is nothing easy about being me in the sense of my physical and mental health. My physical health has gotten to the point that it is hard to move around. I mean just walking or drinking a cold glass of water has become major issues for me. I mean my body is being attacked and there is nothing I can do about that at this time. It going to fight what ever it is going to fight in the end. And that is the mental health issues that I hate, my body is fighting off pain and it really hurts more than I ever thought it would. I mean the pains in my body are strong and they are real, and it is really hard to be happy in the end about anything. I know that I have to keep fighting but when the mind is weak it’s hard to focus on the good things in life. Trust me when I say this I would never want anyone to go through what I have gone through at this point of my life. But the bottom line in the beginning of this is that there is going to be much more pain in this journey of this pancreatic and heart issues that I am having to go through at this time.

But I also want to tell you that even though there is a lot of pain and suffering at the moment that I am learning a lot about myself in ways that only pain and suffering can teach a person at this time. I know that no matter what happens that I will be okay with what happens. I know that I have friend out there and she is that kind of tiger that tells me to keep fighting no matter what happens. And to tell you the truth tiger, I am fighting hard as this crane can fight. The animals are around me in this journey and I know that they are telling me your words as well tiger. But there comes a time that you have to start preparing for things that might not go your way, and I am learning that death is just the beginning of better things. I do NOT wish for death, even though that this pain is crazy and that I am mental tired at this time. But I am starting to feel more comfortable in my head that no matter what happens I will be okay. I have been preparing for a lot of things in my life these last 10 months and is it scary? Hell yes, it VERY scary. But you have to remember that I have that daughter that little coyote that loves me and I am doing my hardest to making sure that her life will be good with or without me in the end of it.

And I know these hard hard words to swallow at this time, trust me I know it because I am feeling it everyday. But I don’t want to leave any stones unturned here. And that is what I am doing with my health as well. I mean I am going to have more medical teams in the coming weeks and I am not going to give this fight up, and the problem is that your sitting there and putting your hands into these people that maybe know what to do and then on the other hand maybe they don’t have a clue to what it really is. But no matter what I know that my faith is being tested here, and I am okay with that actually. I just know that my struggles are hard ones at this time. And I don’t want the outcome to end like this, I know that Amy wouldn’t want this for me as well. I mean she was a fighter in her life and she brought much joy to me until her death. I never thought that I would be in this position at this time of my life, but then again who ever knows when something like this will strike you.

Life is full of the mysteries, life is full of things that are good and bad. The main thing you have to remember is that life is what you make, and that good always wins over evil. And if this is an evil thing my heath well I know one thing is that it won’t last forever. And I hope that my posts will change for me in the coming days and weeks, because I want to show that you can get through these rough times if you believe in your heart that you really can. So, in closing I will try my hardest to stay positive more in this time of darkness and I know that it can be really hard to do with all these issues going on, but I have to fight the fight, and I will continue to look for more miracles in the comings days. With this said like I always end this posts, be good to yourself and the others around you…

Barn and farmhouse…

The worse part of the day is when you get a phone call from your doctor and he tells you that there is nothing more that they are going to do for this pancreatic issues that I am facing. I mean the treatment options is all I have and they aren’t to promising at this time. Due to that my body is not making things happening to making anything better. Now I am wonder what the next plan is in my life. Do I prepare for death, or do I keep finding other options here. I mean the next steps are the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and that would be all that I have left in the tank if they want to take on my case here. I am so upset today about this, I mean how can doctors be so mean and then on top of it they show no heart for what your going through in your life. I mean I am beyond the words at this time of feeling anything in my body. How do I tell my family that well the doctor called me and told me there are no more options?? I mean I am a fighter here, and I just need to figure this all out, and that means still going in for my treatment first off. Maybe there will be changes in this. I mean I have to make some phone calls as well to other cancer centers as well. I think that if there is a will that there is really a way here. I mean there really has to be something that I can do better. I just have to figure that out.

After that news I went out and took a walk with my father at my place, we walked around the barn and land that I have and we talked about the future of my farm and what I would like to see in the future. We talked about turning the barn into a house or a guest house for when people come and stay that they could have there own rooms and kitchen and bath area. Which I thought would look amazing in the end. And I want to build on the addition to the farmhouse that was built in 1847 as well. I mean there is a lot of possibilities for my place. I said to my father it is so amazing that we can make this place look so amazing, and at the same time I might never have the chance of seeing this dream come true for this place as I broke down in tears. I cried so hard, and I felt so bad to do this in front of my father, and he told me that we are going to get this done no matter what happens to you. I see that dream coming true, and you are going to be here to see it get finished.

I looked at my father and we never have to many heart felt talks and I was telling him then I must keep this fight going no matter what happens in the end. And he looked at me and told me that he has never seen me give up on anything, and he told me that life will throw things at us at the times we least expect them. But in the end he said it was my strength that will get me through these times. And I told him that I really didn’t have much strength left in the tank, and he looked at me and said again your a fighter and that my tank has been empty for the last 10 months and that if your tank didn’t have any in it then, how in the hell are you alive now? And that answer was that your a fighter even when all the gas in your tank is being used. So, keep fighting the fight no matter what, and I looked at him and said when are we going to move some dirt around for the barn, and he smiled and said anytime you want here son.

So in the end be good to yourself and the others around you, and even when your thinking your tank is empty you keep the fight going….