Been quite some time but this is needed…

Well, I am back and it has been quite some time like the title reads. But I am here to tell you a few things about my process of my life and what my health is really doing at this time. First off my pancreas in not well and the liver is still in bad shape due to the mistakes of the doctors in January of this year. But I found out today that my heart is not pumping right anymore due to the toxins and the stress. I have to have some heart tests done tomorrow and early next week. I found that the heart is being stressed by the pancreatic issues at hand that I am being faced with. I have no words to tell you how I feel about this whole process. I have had people tell me that you need to take it easy, and then I have some people telling me that you need to prepare for death. Then I have the in between people that don’t know what do say at this time due to the shock they are really in at this time with this news. I wanted to tell you a few thoughts of mine here to try to tell people what is really going on when it really coming to me and my thoughts.

First off receiving the news today send me backwards in the sense of how can this really being happening. And then you first get mad and tell God that you no longer want to do this anymore because of the stress of putting your hands in the doctors hands. I feel like I loose more trust with the doctors as the days move on, and then secondly then they tell you that you need to go take these tests at different hospitals around the area I live. Which some are 30 minutes away and then the others ones are like 3 hours or better away. But the point is that you really get sick of driving around for 15 minutes of answers that you can’t believe anyways from the doctors. So, there is a huge and I mean a huge frustrations with this. I mean first the doctors are going to tell you that your going to be okay, and then the next minute you feel like your a ping pong ball being bounced around. I know that then the next part start to hit you like now what the hell am I suppose to do with this news. You feel like you want to go yell at the world for your problems then the world doesn’t need your frustrations for the world does not deserve this because it didn’t bring the issues on with what I am dealing with. So, after you realize that you just can’t start to yell at people, you take the soft approach of just trying not to say anything to anyone. I feel like that I have my issues, but I don’t want to bury people with my issues either.

Then there is the process of thinking that this is a joke and that this is not really happening to yourself. I mean I see this on the movies or I have seen family members or friends go through this, but you think to yourself that it will never happen to you. But then it does happen to you and the joke is over at that point. You have to come to terms with that there is a great chance that your going to really die at this point. When you hear that you have cancer your life changes in that split second, you really think that the doctors and the staff are really lying to you. You think that your life now is not like you thought it would ever be. The superman days are really over and you really have to hang the cape up for good. But the hardest part of this all hearing that word is really that one word and that word is death.

But to tell you a little about me, I had open heart surgery at the age of 24 and that was a shocker let me tell you, at 24 when your young and full of energy you tell yourself that then what the hell was that about? But it taught me one thing and that one thing is that I am stronger for living through that surgery. See, I haven’t quite gotten there in the sense of being strong. I mean I put that cape on in front of my family and my daughter, but inside I am a bomb waiting to explode on the inside, and why? I mean I am telling myself that there are a lot of worse things going on in this world then me at this time. And I am not a selfish person by no means. I give my heart to others because that is what I was taught to do in the end. So exploding inside isn’t that option for me at this time, for my family and my daughter need me the best way that I can provide. But after today and this major set back I have to step back and realize that I have to take care of myself in this process. And that is a really hard thing for me to do, because it is a really painful part of the journey and I know that Master would of told me to stop and to just breathe for awhile and take in everything you can around you.

So I know I have been all over about my thoughts and I am sure none of this makes sense at all and for that I really don’t care if it doesn’t. Maybe I need to come here more and vent to the world, but then again I was never about this. But I do have a good family and the few friends that I have left are my world. Tomorrow the sun will shine again and I have to continue this battle even though I might not like it, I have to realize that I have no choice other then to fight. I will tell you this and I mean this, I hope that no one ever has to go through this process like I did here. I want to wish for the best for anyone that is reading this, and if there is anything I can tell you is to make sure that you take time out of your life to tell people that you love them. I might be running out of time like all of us at some point, but know the time you do have left make it the best memories you can make for yourself, I mean you need to know that life is not a game and that you think that you are in control of it. Because after today I realize you have no control over anything here, not even death. That is what you need to know it is going to come for everyone on this earth. I am not here to scare anyone that isn’t my job here, but make sure that the time you have left is the best memories you can make. I know that I might of repeated that messages, but you can’t get anymore real then that can you? But I will try to write more later about this, I just have to go catch some fresh air and regroup my thoughts here. But until then be good to the people around and yourself…

Sun is shinning…

Today the sun is out and my daughter is dancing with the dogs outside at the moment. After she done dancing then off to feed the horses and then feed the cat as well. My daughter has so much passion for animals. And she was excited to see that the coyotes ate the food she left out for them last night as well. Today I got up at 330 in the morning and I haven’t look back since. I been getting caught up on some important paperwork, and that is my will in case something happens to me that my daughter will be okay in this world. And just writing in my daughters life journal this morning was even good for me. I am in that mood that nothing is going to get into my way from this point forward. Yes, I do not feel good more thank half the time but I look at it as who really cares, this now is about my daughter and to tell you the truth she is giving me a lot of drive today. And I haven’t felt this in quite some time to be honest with you.

So, today we are going into town and getting some fresh ice cream and we might even go swimming depending on the water. My daughter loves the water and the waves. So, I was thinking about the water and how it is a healer in the process of who we are as humans. I mean water is a cleaner to our souls. I think that water can heal us in so many ways. I know that I haven’t been feeling that good lately and I think it is important that I have some go times with my daughter.

Here is another note I wanted to talk about is that I know that I am going to beat this pancreatic issue no matter what like I have said before. The bigger thing is that no matter what happens to me in the end that my daughter will know the truth about her parents and how much we really loved her in the end. And I know that my daughter is going to need me for the long haul. And I am ready for that journey with her. And I think when school finishes this week that we are going to take a road trip and make this summer a blast. I think that we are going to drive to the east coast and make some great memories. I need to get away from the doctors for a few weeks and just have that time with my daughter. I mean if the medical staff thinks that there might not be anymore options for me at this time, then screw it,  I am going to make things happen on my end of things of coarse.

But I am only going to worry what is ahead of me now, and that is going swimming with that little coyote and just having a great day ahead of me at this time. And I know that going to town and I am going to find someone with more struggles today and I am going to make time for that special person that I am going find. That is what life means to me at this very moment, it’s about helping people understanding there struggles, so that I can understand my own as well. But until then take care of yourself and others around you.

The grocery store and the coyote…

Well today journey let me to the store to getting food with my little coyote. My little coyote is my daughter for all that don’t remember or are first time readers. My daughter has a passion for coyotes and wolves, and her spirit is strong with these animals. I mean my daughter is schooling me all the time about the coyotes and the wolf packs in our area. And she takes a lot of pride in these animals for some strange reason, and if I can find an image of her I will post it tonight with her little coyote stuff animal named Whisper the coyote. Why the name she told me that coyotes whisper a lot to communicate with each other. But remember she is six years old and her mind is in that belief that coyotes can whisper to each other, and she even tells me that the coyotes talk to her, which leads to this story of the grocery store.

So we went into town today to fill the refrigerator up with food for my little coyote. I am not eating to much since my issues with my pancreas, but anyways we were going up and down the aisle getting food, and out of the blue my daughter starts to howl really loud in the store, and I told her to stop howling, and she looked at me and told me that the coyotes need some peanut butter and crackers. And I said honey we don’t feed the coyotes, and she said that when she was howling in the store that she swore that the coyotes outside heard her and said that is what they wanted to eat. So, I told her no that we are not going to waste money on food for feeding the animals outside, now my little coyote was starting to tear up a bit because we walked past the crackers and the peanut butter. Well as we were getting ready to check out there was this old man maybe in his middle 70’s and he had them crackers and peanut butter for my daughter, and he put them in the cart, and told me that them coyotes love peanut butter and crackers.

I said to the older man, that I just told my daughter no and that we don’t waste food. And he looked me in the eyes and told me it’s not a waste to make that heart of your daughter feel good even for that minute. And he told me a story about loosing his daughter at 10 years old due to a rare kind of cancer, and he told me when he heard this story about my daughter saying that she could hear them coyotes, that it brought a warm smile to his face. And I told the man that I was sorry that you lost your daughter, and I told him thank you for helping me see the things from outside the box at times in my life. He just smiled and as we were going to our cars, the old man howled and my daughter looked at me and said see daddy the coyotes were telling me the truth about the peanut butter and the crackers, for they howled back at me daddy. And at that point, I went down to my daughters level and said I am sorry honey and that you were right that the coyotes are going to be happy this evening for you thinking about them.

As I buckled her into the car seat and shut the door, the old man looked at me and said this was the best day I had in years and thank you son for letting me be part of that little girls life even for that minute. And I said your welcome. And then it hit me that that older man had struggles in his life as well, and I was at that point realizing that he embraced his struggles as well in his life. I want to believe that he found closure in my daughter smiles.

So, we did put out the crackers and the peanut butter and she went to bed early, I just have to make sure I get out there and make them crackers disappear for her. I want her to believe that the coyotes are eating her special meal. I mean I will throw them deeper into the woods and hope the coyotes will eat them. But, today I learned a lot from my daughter that she believes in the spirit of what is going on in her little world. And who was I to stop her from living out that dream. But I also learned again that this old man had a good day as well. And to be honest I will never forget this day that my daughter found closure for the coyotes and she found closure for this old gentlemen that she never  really got to know like I did in that short time. But until next time be yourself and the others around you.IMG_3546.jpg

 

Going to the dog park…

Well today I got up and decided to take my journey to another place. So I loaded up the dogs and headed to the local dog park which is like maybe 40 minutes from my place. I thought lets see what I can learn from a dog’s perspective here. I arrived on the sunny day and there wasn’t that many dogs at the park maybe like 5 to 10 dogs total. So, I let my dogs go and play with the other dogs that were at the park. At first I thought to myself that I was crazy to take them here since they have many acres to run on at the farm. But then it hit me in the sense that dogs have lives too, and what is wrong by them wanted to change up there lives a bit.

So, I was at the park like maybe a hour or so, just because my dogs are out of shape a bit and all the running around makes them tired. But why I was there I noticed that all the dogs were happy to have my dogs there, I mean it felt like my dogs were making new friends at the park. And it reminded me of yesterday’s talk with James at the coffee shop when he was telling me that the world is full of hurt and pain lately. I was thinking a lot about that lately. I met a younger woman with her golden retriever and she started to talk to me about her life a bit and how she was struggling with her health in the sense of the cancer that is eating away at her bones. Now letting you know that my health is bad, but I have no cancer as of yet and hope to remain cancer free at this time. But getting back to the story she was telling me that she only might have another month or so to coming out to the park with her dog. She also told me that she had no brothers or sister or even parents that are alive yet. Now picture that for a minute can you? I mean I have a mother and a father and a sister and even a brother. Even though my family is not the best at times, I still have family in the end. But this girl named Emma had no one in the end other than her golden retriever named Holly, after Buddy Holly of coarse as I found out later as well.

But just knowing that Emma has no one, I asked her what is going to happen to the dog if you pass away, and I know that was a stupid question to ask her but I was so curious about the dog and it’s life after Emma’s. And Emma told me that she has a great friend that Holly is going to live at. And I was happy to hear that for a minute that Holly had a place to go in the end. But I was talking to Emma and asked her about treatment and where she is doing this at, and she told me where, and I asked her if she wanted so company during this time. I wasn’t trying to push my way into her life, but being alone with this anyone would want to help. And Emma looked at me and smile and told me to come back to the park soon, that I am not going to die that fast. And it made me realize what kind of fighter she really was. And so I made a promise to Emma that I would come back to the park with the dogs to check in once in awhile, and Emma just smiled and said to me thank you. So after talking to Emma I loaded my dogs in the back of the truck and started to head home.

As I was heading back to the farm, I had to stop and get some ice cream for the dogs. Something I have always done. I love to watch a dog lick a ice cream cone. Just something that makes me smile and laugh a lot. Which I need in my life lately. But getting them cones made me realize something today, that the sun is still shinning and that if Emma is fighting for everything that is worth to her in the end, then I will be fighting even harder in mine in the sense of that I need to get out like this everyday and hear everyday stories of struggles. I mean who makes time in there life to do such a thing? Well, I know one thing that I have purpose again, and this blog is going to show you that no matter how hard life is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel with everyone that you meet along the path.

In closing today post, I felt like that I was a human again for the first time in almost a year, I felt like that this is what I am going to be doing for awhile is to take time out of my life and to some travels and find the people out there that want to share there stories with me. Believe me when I tell you this, that it isn’t really that hard to find struggles with people. this world is full of the struggles that attack ever single one of us. But I learn today that you sometimes have to put yourself out there and let go of your struggles to help someone else in there struggles. I have said this from the beginning and I believe in this always that embrace your struggles. For they will make you stronger at some point of your life. It might not be today or tomorrow but some where on your path you will look back at these days and be thankful that you made it through them. So, make sure that you take care of yourself today and the others around you…

Coffee shop…

Today I got up and got an early start to my day and I went to a coffee shop to just have a warm cup of coffee and to sit there and just to clear my head about what has all gone on in these last ten months of my life. I was sitting at a table all by myself minded my own business and then I noticed an old man sitting across from me and just was reading his paper. So, I decided to go over there and talk this older gentlemen. So, I said a warm hello him and he just kept reading his paper like I wasn’t even there. At first I thought that maybe e couldn’t hear me at all, and then at the same time I thought that he just wanted to be left alone to mine his own business. As I went back to my table with my cup of coffee I just had asked myself what the hell was I doing? I mean I went to this coffee shop to be left alone as well.

As I looking out at the window I was just looking at life on the outside and was wondering where people where going today with there life. And then I was thinking how many of these people have problems like myself. A hour went on and my coffee was getting low and I was getting ready to leave, and then the gentlemen came over to sit with me. This was the gentlemen that couldn’t hear me before or like I said that wanted to be left alone. But he pulled a chair out and took a seat next to me. He told me his name and it was James. And he told me that he has been coming in this shop for many years and never had anyone come up to him like I did. And I told him that I was sorry for that, and he told me not to apologize for that. He just asked me a few questions like why did you come to my table? And I answered him because I felt that you needed to say something the way you were reading that paper. And James didn’t really say anything at the point. Then his next question to me was, why are you here today?

I told him that I was tired of being at home in surroundings and I needed to change my plans up a bit. I was tired of doing the same things over and over. And he looked at me and asked me in a calm voice, what is wrong with you and I told him that I was dying that I had a pancreatic disease that I was fighting and that the doctors are doing all they could to helping me live. James asked me how old I was, and I replied to him 41. James told me that he was 97 years old as of last week. And he looked at me and told me that we are all going die at some point. James even told me that he lost the love of his life 20 years ago and never remarried anyone for he lost his high school sweetheart. See they were married for over 65 years until her death. James told me that was the hardest thing that has ever happened to him, and I told him I know what you feel, because I lost the love of my life almost 7 years ago. James said you know what worse then loosing the loves of our life? I said no James I do not know what is worse than that. And again James replied and told me that they took the biggest pieces of our hearts with them. And how could we ever recover when our hearts were not suppose to break like this.

I just stopped and paused about what James said to me, and realized for the first time what he was talking about. Taking a piece of someones heart with them is a very sad thing. But James at the same time told me he had no regrets with his wife of 65 years and that he not mad that she has him in heaven with her. James told me that he hasn’t wanted to die for the last 20 years since her death. And he has told me that he gets up every morning and comes to a coffee shop and reads the paper. James told me that being alone is the hardest part of living. And he asked me why I was so alone. I told him that I had a daughter that was 6 years old, and James told me that he had children as well, but he wasn’t talking about the children he was talking about me and why I was alone for all these years. James said to me that I was a handsome younger man that deserves to be loved again. And I told James that I am working on that, and James said to me maybe that is your key for fighting this disease that your currently going through. I asked him where I am going to find love that fast? And James smiled and looked at me and said you know it’s always around every corner in your life, it’s just a matter how bad do you really want it in the end. I just sat back in my chair and just paused again and thought to myself that he was right. That love is everywhere in this life, people are full of love to give if your willing to receive it.

James said I am glad that this journey has taken you hear today, and that I hope that we can continue these conversations tomorrow or the next few days when you come back. And James told me that I was welcomed to sit with him. I asked James before we left what keeps you alive? James said to me it’s very simple it’s the coffee here at this shop, and the people that come into it like yourself. I felt after he said that I made a friend for life. I told James that I would stop back in soon and that we could finish our talks about what ever came to our minds. And James got up and hugged me at 97 and said, fight this fight it’s really worth in the end. And I told my new friend that is what I am going to do and that I will see him in the morning.

So, I went out today like I said in yesterday’s post and made something happen. I wasn’t never expecting the results that I got. But life is worth living is what I learned from James today, and that even though your heart can be broken it truly can be fixed. I will wonder what our next conversations will be. I just will have to wait and see I guess. With this be good to each other and yourself…

What a story…

Well it has been a bad month for me in the sense of coming on here to write anything due to my current health issues. And all my posts in the past few months have been about me and my current situation with my pancreatic disease that I am dealing with at this time. I have been in lots of pain and I have been dealing with so many doctors trying to figuring this all out for me. And when it comes to it in the end, I am no further then I was when this all started ten months ago. I mean this road has been one of the hardest I have ever been on, and I wish I could tell you that I could see the finish line, but to tell you the truth I am starting see that there might be no finish line in this. And I am not being negative here, I just am realizing for the first time that the doctors are working as hard as anyone can and they are running out of ideas fast here. And how could I be mad at the staff that is currently trying to save my life I can’t or won’t be mad at them.

But my story to you this late evening is that to make sure that you make everyday count and make sure that you tell people that you loved them. And to make sure that you visit a family member or friend in the end. I am telling you these things because I am realizing that I might be running out of time here soon. And I want to be clear on this, don’t ever put your work before your life. And I want you to remember these words do not put your work before your life. That is one mistake that I have made in my life. I am not working as much now with my health the way it is, but I am getting out there and I am telling people that I am around my story. For I find the strength in knowing that maybe I will say someone else life if mine can’t be saved. And that is my story right there, I know that the time I have left is going to be the best days of my life. I do plan on beating this yet, and I am not giving up on life. But no matter what we all are going to die, the question at the end of this is that are you happy at the time of your death? I mean did you do everything in the powers that you had to make sure that you truly were happy?

I know one thing is for sure, that is what I am focusing on at this time is making myself happy and finding the happiness in others with my story. But I will close by saying that I will try to write more about the people I will touch in the coming months. I will be going out tomorrow for that walk in the rain and I will wonder who will be with me as I go on that walk. And there is a reason why I close my posts with take care of yourself and others around you. For that reason is this, you might not have another day ahead of you to make that difference in your life and the others around you… So with that be good to each other…

Here is my story with my health…

Chronic pancreatitis is the progressive disorder associated with the destruction of the pancreas. The disease is more common in men and usually develops in persons between 30 and 40 years of age. Initially, chronic pancreatitis may be confused with acute pancreatitis because the symptoms are similar. The most common symptoms are upper abdominal pain and diarrhea and lightheaded, and feeling tired. As the disease becomes more chronic, patients can develop malnutrition and weight loss. If the pancreas becomes destroyed in the latter stages of the disease, patients may develop diabetes mellitus and even pancreatic cancer due to the tare from surgeries.

The most common cause of chronic pancreatitis in the United States is chronic alcohol consumption. Additional causes include cystic fibrosis and other hereditary disorders of the pancreas. For a significant percentage of patients there is no known cause. More research is needed to determine other causes of the disease.

The treatment for chronic pancreatitis depends on the symptoms. Most therapies center on pain management and nutritional support. Oral pancreatic enzyme supplements are used to aid in the digestion of food. Patients who develop diabetes require insulin to control blood sugar. Your blood sugar can go up and down due to the pancreas fighting all the time with the levels of toxins in the blood. The avoidance of alcohol is central to therapy.

 

If you read this, then you know some of the stuff that I am feeling with the pancreas. I was told this by one doctor and I want to put this in here to teach you about what this really is for me. My body is fighting an organ that doesn’t take any crap from anyone. You can’t replace the pancreas at all. All other organs there are miracles for, but this one there is no miracles for it. I am trying my hardest to maintain what is left for mine. The pains are so sharp like a knife pain. And to tell you the truth that pain never really goes away for you. I hope that no one would ever go through such a thing here.

I thought that I would write on here to tell you that this is serious thing. I need to get these things off my chest. And maybe if I write to the world on here that someone might visit this site and have something to offer to me that has had experiences in this. I feel that the world is connected. I want to believe that there is a doctor that might read this post and want to take that time to understand where I am coming from. I know that there might not be a cure, but maybe it’s not about that cure. Maybe this is simple as having hope that miracles can happen to good people yet while they fight this fight. And even if I don’t get that miracle, I will still survive.

Well, off to another day of running to the doctors and trying to get better. I am thinking today that I will catch some break. What that break is who knows, but I know that I have to start believing that this is going to change for the better. But until then be good to yourself and the others around you…