Well, I am back and it has been quite some time like the title reads. But I am here to tell you a few things about my process of my life and what my health is really doing at this time. First off my pancreas in not well and the liver is still in bad shape due to the mistakes of the doctors in January of this year. But I found out today that my heart is not pumping right anymore due to the toxins and the stress. I have to have some heart tests done tomorrow and early next week. I found that the heart is being stressed by the pancreatic issues at hand that I am being faced with. I have no words to tell you how I feel about this whole process. I have had people tell me that you need to take it easy, and then I have some people telling me that you need to prepare for death. Then I have the in between people that don’t know what do say at this time due to the shock they are really in at this time with this news. I wanted to tell you a few thoughts of mine here to try to tell people what is really going on when it really coming to me and my thoughts.
First off receiving the news today send me backwards in the sense of how can this really being happening. And then you first get mad and tell God that you no longer want to do this anymore because of the stress of putting your hands in the doctors hands. I feel like I loose more trust with the doctors as the days move on, and then secondly then they tell you that you need to go take these tests at different hospitals around the area I live. Which some are 30 minutes away and then the others ones are like 3 hours or better away. But the point is that you really get sick of driving around for 15 minutes of answers that you can’t believe anyways from the doctors. So, there is a huge and I mean a huge frustrations with this. I mean first the doctors are going to tell you that your going to be okay, and then the next minute you feel like your a ping pong ball being bounced around. I know that then the next part start to hit you like now what the hell am I suppose to do with this news. You feel like you want to go yell at the world for your problems then the world doesn’t need your frustrations for the world does not deserve this because it didn’t bring the issues on with what I am dealing with. So, after you realize that you just can’t start to yell at people, you take the soft approach of just trying not to say anything to anyone. I feel like that I have my issues, but I don’t want to bury people with my issues either.
Then there is the process of thinking that this is a joke and that this is not really happening to yourself. I mean I see this on the movies or I have seen family members or friends go through this, but you think to yourself that it will never happen to you. But then it does happen to you and the joke is over at that point. You have to come to terms with that there is a great chance that your going to really die at this point. When you hear that you have cancer your life changes in that split second, you really think that the doctors and the staff are really lying to you. You think that your life now is not like you thought it would ever be. The superman days are really over and you really have to hang the cape up for good. But the hardest part of this all hearing that word is really that one word and that word is death.
But to tell you a little about me, I had open heart surgery at the age of 24 and that was a shocker let me tell you, at 24 when your young and full of energy you tell yourself that then what the hell was that about? But it taught me one thing and that one thing is that I am stronger for living through that surgery. See, I haven’t quite gotten there in the sense of being strong. I mean I put that cape on in front of my family and my daughter, but inside I am a bomb waiting to explode on the inside, and why? I mean I am telling myself that there are a lot of worse things going on in this world then me at this time. And I am not a selfish person by no means. I give my heart to others because that is what I was taught to do in the end. So exploding inside isn’t that option for me at this time, for my family and my daughter need me the best way that I can provide. But after today and this major set back I have to step back and realize that I have to take care of myself in this process. And that is a really hard thing for me to do, because it is a really painful part of the journey and I know that Master would of told me to stop and to just breathe for awhile and take in everything you can around you.
So I know I have been all over about my thoughts and I am sure none of this makes sense at all and for that I really don’t care if it doesn’t. Maybe I need to come here more and vent to the world, but then again I was never about this. But I do have a good family and the few friends that I have left are my world. Tomorrow the sun will shine again and I have to continue this battle even though I might not like it, I have to realize that I have no choice other then to fight. I will tell you this and I mean this, I hope that no one ever has to go through this process like I did here. I want to wish for the best for anyone that is reading this, and if there is anything I can tell you is to make sure that you take time out of your life to tell people that you love them. I might be running out of time like all of us at some point, but know the time you do have left make it the best memories you can make for yourself, I mean you need to know that life is not a game and that you think that you are in control of it. Because after today I realize you have no control over anything here, not even death. That is what you need to know it is going to come for everyone on this earth. I am not here to scare anyone that isn’t my job here, but make sure that the time you have left is the best memories you can make. I know that I might of repeated that messages, but you can’t get anymore real then that can you? But I will try to write more later about this, I just have to go catch some fresh air and regroup my thoughts here. But until then be good to the people around and yourself…